Fat pointlessly lost from non-belly area

A MAN has wasted time and effort burning fat in areas of his body that are not his gut, it has frustratingly emerged. 

Wayne Hayes, aged 34, has been eating healthily and exercising four days a week for months, only for the pounds to melt away from irrelevant locations such as his thighs, upper arms and lower back while his stomach remains flabby and his chins remain double.

He said: “I’ve got loads more energy, my wellbeing and libido are through the roof, and I couldn’t give a f**k about any of that because I still can’t sit down in a shirt.

“So what if my calves look like toned pistons? Nobody’s looking at them in the shadow of this hairy, jiggling paunch. The body positivity movement has yet to embrace beer guts and moobs.

“I know you can’t target fat loss, but it doesn’t make sense that I have ripped elbows. I need abs and a 34-inch waist. You can hide cankles with trousers.”

Hayes’s personal trainer Nikki Hollis said: “Wayne’s genetics are to blame. He comes from a long line of lard buckets and no amount of crunches or planks will change that. It’s an uphill battle just stopping him getting even fatter.

“Another four months yelling at him on a treadmill for £40 per hour and he’ll give up and accept he’s a fat bastard. Until then we’re working on losing four pounds from his knees.”

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Candles soothe our lust to burn the world, say women

THE tranquillity gained from burning candles is due to a deep, instinctive desire for mass arson, women have confirmed.

While candles have been dismissed by the patriarchy as harmless feminine frivolity, women are in fact satisfying their raging hunger for pyromania by constantly setting light to tasteful beeswax tapers.

Mother of three Donna Sheridan said: “My husband always jokes that I’m a candle addict. It’s true. Every Yankee Candle is a micro-dose of the furnace his world will perish in. Plus, they smell lovely.

“I was originally recommended candles as a starting point for mindfulness, which was so useful. When I light that wick, I am the dragon that will rain fire on my enemies in this life and the next. It’s incredibly soothing.

“Men may conclude from this that they should stop using candles for romance, or to put us ‘in the mood’. Quite the opposite. Our fantasies of bloodlust are a great turn-on, so get those tealights out if you plan on getting any.

“Us women all know that the sacred day our foremothers predicted will come, when the earth will be cleansed by flame, and we sisters will rise from its ashes. Until then, a three-wick pillar candle from Jo Malone will have to do.”