‘Feeling better’ different from ‘wanting to get pissed’, antibiotic users told

PATIENTS do not have to finish courses of antibiotics if they feel better but that is not the same as wanting to get hammered, doctors have warned. 

Patients have urged the UK to distinguish between an infection being cleared from their bodies, meaning a course of antibiotics can safely be abandoned, and it being Friday night.

Dr Helen Archer said: “In clinics trials, more than 80 per cent of patients reported being over an infection within 30-40 minutes of their mate Sam texting them from the pub.

“It’s a variation on the placebo effect, with symptoms genuinely disappearing on the prospect of a few vodkas in front of a Jason Statham film, but the underlying infection still remaining.

“Yes, it can cause long-term risks to continue taking antibiotics after an infection is cleared, but there is a much higher risk of a course being stopped halfway through because it’s a sunny evening and there is prosecco in the vicinity.”

Bill McKay, from Dundee, said: “They use alcohol to clean wounds, so stands to reason it works internally as well.”

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New employee begins yet another conversation designed to find out who smokes weed

A NEW employee at a design agency has begun yet another conversation aimed at discovering which of his colleagues smokes cannabis. 

Martin Bishop, aged 24, has so far discussed the music of Snoop Dogg, the film Pineapple Express and the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers comic in an attempt to ascertain if there are any other stoners in the office.

Undeterred by the lack of reaction so far, Bishop said: “You know what’s a great citybreak? Amsterdam.

“Anyone been? It’s great with the canals, and the Van Gogh Museum’s incredible. Those paintings are really trippy, if you know what I mean. Like if you’re in the right state of mind.”

Bishop’s conversational gambit was then subverted by company secretary Mary Fisher’s reminiscences about the Anne Frank House before he could bring up coffeeshops.

Director Joseph Turner said: “Jesus, it’s Big Lebowski one minute and Hunter S Thompson the next. We get it, you smoke, shut up about it, you’re at work.

“Anyone want to hit this with me? We’ll have to go under the bridge, away from the office. I’m not giving that kid any.”