Godmother neither godly nor motherly

A WOMAN who is neither spiritual nor maternal is as surprised as everyone to be made a godmother to a baby girl.

Nikki Hollis, 34, was asked to be baby Ava’s spiritual guardian, despite her reputation for ‘getting her tits out’ at parties and ‘hating kids’.

Hollis said: “I’m happy to be tagged in the christening photos on Facebook provided I look thin in them, but I hope no one’s expecting much from me.

“I don’t know what wisdom I have to impart to a child, other than which food combinations nip a hangover in the bud, or which Treatwell offers are actually worth paying for.

“But to be fair that knowledge did come from years of binge drinking and bad bikini waxes so maybe I’m underestimating the value of my life experiences.”

Friend Carolyn Ryan said: “The closest Nikki has ever come to being spiritual was buying that book The Secret that teaches you a load of bollocks about ‘attracting’ money into your life by thinking positively.

“Plus sometimes she posts inspiring quotes on Instagram about living for the moment, followed by a load of cocktail emojis.”

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Optimists ‘100 percent more likely to be insufferable twats’

PEOPLE who identify as optimists are 100 percent more likely to be unbearable company, a study has shown.

The study discovered that absolutely nobody enjoys being told that ‘everything happens for a reason’ and the person saying it is either insane or deeply unpleasant.

Dr Sarah Bauer said: “We also found that 90% of optimists have been given a ‘good thumping’ at some point in their life. It was the optimists themselves who described the thumpings as ‘good’.”

Tim Morton, an optimist, said: “I’m surprised by these findings, as I was under the impression that everyone loved us and our natural ability to spread cheer.

“Maybe I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. That’s OK, you can’t please everybody.

“I’m not going to change who I am, though. I like to see the good in things. Like when my friend’s dog died; what’s a dead dog if not the perfect opportunity to get a new puppy?”

Dr Bauer added: “Dreadful. Just dreadful.”