Fern Launches 'Whip Your Guts Out' Diet Plan

FERN Britton has launched a new weight loss programme based on a strict combination of fruit, pilates and six hours of major abdominal surgery.

The host of ITV's This Morning has already shed five stone thanks to a new diet and exercise regime which is complimented by the removal of 18 foot of large intestine.

The former wrestler now starts each day with a bowl of Special K and half a dozen sit-ups, while lunch is either a light salad, a suckling pig or a wheel of cheese.

Dinner is grilled white fish or a medium-sized pony, after which doctors open her up and remove it all with a trowel.

The presenter said her new book and DVD, Whip Your Guts Out with Fern, would 'explode once and for all' the myth that sustained weight loss could be achieved by eating less and exercising more.

Admitting that she still likes to spend a few hours a day with her 'inner fat person', she added: "Advertising low fat snacks can only get you so far.

"Instead of faddy diets or the latest Californian exercise machine, just tile one of your guest bedrooms from floor to ceiling and have your bowels emptied by the best surgeon you can afford.

"Most days they're scooping out at least a couple of bucketfuls. And remember – those buckets were heading straight for my thighs."

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'Emo' Kids Urged To Take Up Swingball

TEENAGERS in the grip of the 'emo' suicide cult have been urged to spend more time in the garden playing swingball.

Child behaviour experts stressed that summer is the perfect time to shrug off nihilistic angst with a makeshift badminton court or an impromptu water fight.

Dr Roy Hobbs said: "Get yourself a Fairy Liquid bottle and give it a good rinse. Add some balloons and a hose and hey presto! You're all set for a summer of fun!"

Dr Hobbs has claimed spectacular success in de-programming 'emo' victims with his combination of outdoor activities, creative writing exercises and fresh lemonade.

"Collecting frog spawn from the village pond is great fun and the children soon realise there's more to life than songs about eating your own vomit while pumped-up on skunk," he said.

"Fresh air is the key. There's nothing more satisfying than when a child puts down his iPod – filled with its hellish death racket – and picks up a fishing rod."

He added: "Rather than listing the different ways they'd like to kill themselves, I encourage them to write a poem or a short story about their favourite railway journey, or the day they won the 'Big Swingball Championship'.

"And if none of that works, I just tell the little shits to cheer the fuck up."