MEN spend less time showering and bathing than women because they have manly things to think about, like hunting and PlayStation. Here’s what they’ve eliminated entirely from the washing process.
Below the knees
Most men classify the area below the knees as officially ‘out of reach’. Though not strictly true, washing the area does demand a level of bending that’s frankly unacceptable to the average bloke. Fortunately, thanks to gravity, any soap used on the body eventually dribbles down the lower legs anyway, which is probably the same as cleaning them.
What’s the point of washing something you never see? To men, washing the back is a pointless endeavour – like hoovering the carpet under a sofa, or cleaning the inside of your car, especially if you’ve already got a sexual partner. Anyway, it’s not as if your back turns black with filth like an ancient sofa. Or does it? You don’t know.
It’s probably self-cleaning, like a vagina or fancy oven. In any case, some jobs are simply too complicated for the layman. Entering the foreskin is a complicated procedure and should only ever be performed by a highly-trained penis doctor.
Deep down men subconsciously believe washing your face is for women and homosexuals. The act of applying soap – or, worse still, some sort of cream – to the face is a dire threat to their fragile masculinity. A real man’s face should be caked in dirt, like a coal miner or soldier living in a trench, and it’s hard to get that look when you’re using spreadsheets all day.
Behind their balls
What goes on behind the balls? Men don’t know – and they don’t want to know. Attempting to clean whatever is down there is treading on dangerous ground. It’s an investigation that can only end in sadness. Some things are best left a mystery.