Five body parts men never, ever wash

MEN spend less time showering and bathing than women because they have manly things to think about, like hunting and PlayStation. Here’s what they’ve eliminated entirely from the washing process.

Below the knees

Most men classify the area below the knees as officially ‘out of reach’. Though not strictly true, washing the area does demand a level of bending that’s frankly unacceptable to the average bloke. Fortunately, thanks to gravity, any soap used on the body eventually dribbles down the lower legs anyway, which is probably the same as cleaning them.  


What’s the point of washing something you never see? To men, washing the back is a pointless endeavour – like hoovering the carpet under a sofa, or cleaning the inside of your car, especially if you’ve already got a sexual partner. Anyway, it’s not as if your back turns black with filth like an ancient sofa. Or does it? You don’t know.

Foreskin interior

It’s probably self-cleaning, like a vagina or fancy oven. In any case, some jobs are simply too complicated for the layman. Entering the foreskin is a complicated procedure and should only ever be performed by a highly-trained penis doctor.


Deep down men subconsciously believe washing your face is for women and homosexuals. The act of applying soap – or, worse still, some sort of cream – to the face is a dire threat to their fragile masculinity. A real man’s face should be caked in dirt, like a coal miner or soldier living in a trench, and it’s hard to get that look when you’re using spreadsheets all day.

Behind their balls

What goes on behind the balls? Men don’t know – and they don’t want to know. Attempting to clean whatever is down there is treading on dangerous ground. It’s an investigation that can only end in sadness. Some things are best left a mystery.

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Five things dickheads say instead of 'please'

COMMON courtesy costs nothing, but some people prefer the pathetic ego trip of throwing their weight around. Here are the pseudo-insults they mistake for ‘please’.

A question

This is basically saying: ‘Are you a dense bastard who doesn’t understand my simple demand?’ Why say please when you can rudely say: ‘Bacon butty, yeah?’ followed by ‘Ketchup too, K?’ The person behind the counter is now morally entitled to add their own personal sauce to the order.

Implying you’ve got a bad attitude

Office dicks love feeling superior by vaguely suggesting their minions are deliberately avoiding work, eg. ‘Can you do X – if you can spare a minute?’ or ‘… if that’s not too much trouble?’ Just say: ‘I will, if you can spare the time to say, please?’ You’ll sound like a dick too but it will annoy them more, so that’s fine.

An urgent deadline

You can spot an Alpha prick because their demand is absolutely urgent, expressed in self-aggrandising bullshit like ‘Skinny macchiato. To go, yesterday.’ However you know they’re not about to sign off a multi-billion dollar deal, they’re a wanker estate agent who’s late to show someone a crap semi with bedrooms that struggle to accommodate anyone larger than an Ewok.  

A term of endearment

Using a term like ‘darling’ in a patronising way at the end of a request is not a valid substitute for ‘please’. Interrogating a supermarket assistant with: “Hey you, where’s the Anusol, sweetheart?’ should rightfully see you guided towards tubes of industrial strength chilli paste. 

A sarcastic ‘please’

Always performed to impress a group of sycophants. Making the ‘please’ somehow ironic suggests the person being spoken to is in a position of false superiority with, for example, their fancy barista job. You could try your own sarcasm, like ‘Yes, your majesty’ but they’re such a knob they’ll think they’re winning a battle of the wits, so don’t rise to the bait and maturely gob in their coffee instead.