Thursday, 6th May 2021

Five f**king obvious things I never could have predicted, by Dido Harding

NO one was able to predict that the Covid virus would mutate, apart from epidemiologists and primary school children. Here are some other blatantly obvious things I cannot predict.

The sun will rise in the morning

I go to bed every night petrified that the fiery sky ball has gone forever and I will have to live in perpetual darkness, whilst my husband weirdly never seems bothered. Who knows if the sun will rise again? It’s an ongoing mystery.

Christmas will be on December 25th

I find Christmas impossible to plan for because I never know what date it’s going to be on. It’s a real stab in the dark knowing if I’ve made the turkey dinner on the right day or whether I’m going to be forcing my family to stuff it down on a blazing hot day in July. If only someone could come up with a better system.

Gravity exists

Every time I try to put a glass of wine down in thin air, it falls to the floor and smashes. How weird is that? It would be much better if it floated, so I’m going to keep trying until it does.

The Titanic sinks

The first time I watched James Cameron’s Titanic I was gobsmacked when that big, safe ship sank. Couldn’t believe it succumbed to an iceberg and lots of people died. I’ve watched it several times since and I’m still surprised every time.

I am always shit at my job

Despite having a terrible track record at doing jobs, for example like the time I presided over a massive cyber attack on Talk Talk, I still think I’m a competent and useful person. And look, I’ve f**ked things up again. Who saw that coming?