Friday, 14th May 2021

Five lockdown rules you've broken if you're being completely honest

CLAIMING to have got through lockdown without putting a toe out of line? Apart from these rules, which you broke if you’re being honest:

Going the wrong way in a shop

We all came down on Rita Ora like a ton of bricks for throwing a lockdown party, but after doubling back in the Co-op to pick up a Twix isn’t this just a case of the pot calling the kettle black? You’re lucky your reckless snack jaunt didn’t escalate into front page news.

Not maintaining social distance

Have you really stayed two metres apart from every human being for the best part of a year? What about that time you squeezed past an elderly couple on your daily walk because you didn’t want to risk stepping out into an empty road? The second wave rests entirely on your shoulders.

Meeting up with too many people

The ambiguous rules have changed so much it’s hard to make sense of them, and you’ve exploited this for all it’s worth. Are you allowed to meet up with dozens of friends individually, so long as you’re not breaking the rule of six? You never bothered to find out, and that’s why no one is getting a foreign holiday this year.

Touching your face

At first you followed the rules to the letter by scratching your face on a rough post like a cat. But lately you’ve let things slide and started touching it with your rigorously sanitised hands like a monster. What do you think our hardworking NHS nurses would have to say about that?

Washing your hands for less than the mandated time

The science is crystal clear on this one, you’re supposed to scrub your hands for as long as it takes to sing happy birthday twice. These days you’re barely getting halfway through the first round before wiping your meat hooks dry on a manky old towel. It’s not June 21st yet so get your shit together. Rules are rules.