Monday, 10th May 2021

The twat's guide to driving in the countryside

WITH lockdown rules easing it’s time to go for a drive in the countryside. Here twat Martin Bishop explains how to be as much of a menace as possible.

Pass horses at 50mph

Slowing down for horses is one of the unwritten rules of the countryside. But ‘unwritten’ means you can ignore it, right? Zoom past angrily honking your horn, strangely annoyed that they’re using an outdated mode of transport instead of an Audi with power steering.

Overtake dangerously

Dawdling country drivers can be annoying – so ‘out-twat’ them with a series of increasingly dangerous overtaking manoeuvres. The gold standard? Passing someone on a blind bend in a narrow lane with the sun in your eyes.

Drink and drive

Everyone knows people in villages get tanked up and drive home. That’s what I firmly believe anyway. So get suitably refreshed on eight pints of strong local cider, buckle up and off you go. There’s barely any traffic in the countryside and definitely no dangerous hazards like trees.

Hog the road 

Driving down a very narrow road? Refuse to pull over and stay in the centre to prevent other vehicles passing or overtaking. Do not yield no matter what. If you can force a combine harvester to swerve off the road and crash into a farm, even better.

Aim for the wildlife

Someone once told me it’s better to hit an animal than endanger the lives of your passengers. This clearly gives you free rein to try and run over as many pheasants, hares and deer as you can. Think of your day trip as Grand Theft Auto: North Yorkshire.