Five places to wear your mask to rile up the gammons

EVERYONE’S wearing masks now, but do you want to raise the blood pressure of gammons even more? These five locations should outrage the already red-faced: 

Pub beer garden

A double whammy of overstepping government guidelines: not only are you in the pub, which Rishi Sunak has declared a virus-free zone, but you’re outside. Any anti-snowflakes seeing you will be bloody outraged, not that their side gets outraged, it’s the liberals always being outraged, etc.

Video call

You might not physically be there with Gary from client services, but you won’t be taking any chances. Slip the mask over your face as soon as he joins the call and by 5pm you’ll be the talk of the most disgruntled people in your workplace.

A World War Two reenactment day

The only thing gammons love more than sneering at lefties is passing the day with some manly tanks. Make sure you laboriously sanitise your hands after contact with anything from the past and are overheard saying “Churchill would have worn a mask”.

Britain First rally

Turning up in a town-centre to shout incoherently about ‘protecting history’ is an experience that can be enhanced by doing all of those things in a medical-grade face mask. Everyone’s covering their faces but you’re… doing it wrong! Guaranteed to cause a cerebral aneurysm.

Their house

If you absolutely must visit your bigoted uncle, be sure to double-mask, wear gloves and drape yourself in some plastic sheeting. Pick up your cup of tea with metal tongs and thoroughly disinfect the biscuits. Stress that there is no obligation for him to wear a mask if he doesn’t want to and that above all, you respect his bravery.

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White van man takes neutral stance on woman's arse

A WHITE van driver has no strong feelings towards the arse of a nearby woman, thinking it neither good, bad or worthy of comment. 

Landscape gardener Bill McKay was stopped at a junction when he noticed a female pedestrian in a pair of tight-fitting jeans, but uncharacteristically felt himself unable to take a firm stance on her arse one way or another.

He said: “My instinct was to shout ‘nice arse’, but then I took a second to reconsider if I really meant it. Frankly, it was only okay.

“So then I mulled over a couple of insults, you know, comments that implied she’d had many sexual partners but I wouldn’t like to be one of them. I was very much torn on how best to articulate these complex feelings.

“But as I idled at the lights, I had an epiphany. I found my zen and realised that I was indifferent to the arse, and that my opinion did not need to be expressed. So I drove off.

“If an arse stands on a street corner and no builders shout, is it still an arse? These are the questions I ponder now I’m becoming more enlightened.”

Arse-owner Hannah Tomlinson, aged 26, said: “I’m glad my arse has been of help on his spiritual journey. And, for the record, it’s actually pretty great.”