Sunday, 9th August 2020

Five places to wear your mask to rile up the gammons

EVERYONE’S wearing masks now, but do you want to raise the blood pressure of gammons even more? These five locations should outrage the already red-faced: 

Pub beer garden

A double whammy of overstepping government guidelines: not only are you in the pub, which Rishi Sunak has declared a virus-free zone, but you’re outside. Any anti-snowflakes seeing you will be bloody outraged, not that their side gets outraged, it’s the liberals always being outraged, etc.

Video call

You might not physically be there with Gary from client services, but you won’t be taking any chances. Slip the mask over your face as soon as he joins the call and by 5pm you’ll be the talk of the most disgruntled people in your workplace.

A World War Two reenactment day

The only thing gammons love more than sneering at lefties is passing the day with some manly tanks. Make sure you laboriously sanitise your hands after contact with anything from the past and are overheard saying “Churchill would have worn a mask”.

Britain First rally

Turning up in a town-centre to shout incoherently about ‘protecting history’ is an experience that can be enhanced by doing all of those things in a medical-grade face mask. Everyone’s covering their faces but you’re… doing it wrong! Guaranteed to cause a cerebral aneurysm.

Their house

If you absolutely must visit your bigoted uncle, be sure to double-mask, wear gloves and drape yourself in some plastic sheeting. Pick up your cup of tea with metal tongs and thoroughly disinfect the biscuits. Stress that there is no obligation for him to wear a mask if he doesn’t want to and that above all, you respect his bravery.