Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Five shit things Britons do every bloody lockdown

STOCKPILING toilet paper is now a biannual tradition, and it’s just the start of our reliable lockdown idiocy. Along with these: 

Scramble to go away

You’ll be trapped in the house for a month, but will you look back wistfully on these final three days in a Worcester Travelodge, in November, in the rain, or wish you hadn’t bothered?

Make comparisons with the war

Captain Tom has compared lockdown to the Battle of Britain though Covid does not yet have Messerschmitts. Our national obsession with WWII is snowballing. By 2023’s lockdown you’ll be doing the school run in a Bren Carrier and Ed Sheeran will be at number one with Dunkirk Girl.

Unhinged pasta-buying

You could be forgiven for thinking Britons take a bit of rigatoni in their tea in the morning, have a linguini sandwich for lunch, then stop off on the way home for a pasta banquet of tagliatelle, farfalle and lasagne sheets. Actually it’s all just sitting uneaten in spare rooms and garages.

Do everything half-arsed

Stand obediently for 25 minutes in a queue outside Asda observing correct social distancing, then ignore it once inside. Or solemnly inform close relatives it’ll be a Zoom Christmas then go to a drunken, mask-free gathering. If anything will beat Covid it’s confusing it.

Repeat bollocks without thinking about it

A national pastime already, but try statistics about respiratory deaths, concern trolling about the poor’s mental health, or dire economic warnings. Never consider how this tallies with scientific fact or every f**king country in the world taking emergency measures. See if you can bring that 5G thing back.