Five shit things Britons do every bloody lockdown

STOCKPILING toilet paper is now a biannual tradition, and it’s just the start of our reliable lockdown idiocy. Along with these: 

Scramble to go away

You’ll be trapped in the house for a month, but will you look back wistfully on these final three days in a Worcester Travelodge, in November, in the rain, or wish you hadn’t bothered?

Make comparisons with the war

Captain Tom has compared lockdown to the Battle of Britain though Covid does not yet have Messerschmitts. Our national obsession with WWII is snowballing. By 2023’s lockdown you’ll be doing the school run in a Bren Carrier and Ed Sheeran will be at number one with Dunkirk Girl.

Unhinged pasta-buying

You could be forgiven for thinking Britons take a bit of rigatoni in their tea in the morning, have a linguini sandwich for lunch, then stop off on the way home for a pasta banquet of tagliatelle, farfalle and lasagne sheets. Actually it’s all just sitting uneaten in spare rooms and garages.

Do everything half-arsed

Stand obediently for 25 minutes in a queue outside Asda observing correct social distancing, then ignore it once inside. Or solemnly inform close relatives it’ll be a Zoom Christmas then go to a drunken, mask-free gathering. If anything will beat Covid it’s confusing it.

Repeat bollocks without thinking about it

A national pastime already, but try statistics about respiratory deaths, concern trolling about the poor’s mental health, or dire economic warnings. Never consider how this tallies with scientific fact or every f**king country in the world taking emergency measures. See if you can bring that 5G thing back.

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Farage launches Why Don't I Just F**k Off? Party

NIGEL Farage is making an electoral comeback with a party dedicated to finally making him f**k off permanently.

The former UKIP leader has failed to be elected as an MP seven times but believes he can finally make Parliament with policies focused on making his smug, gobby, xenophobic, arsehole self disappear.

Farage said: “Why Don’t I Just F**k Off? has a raft of policies ranging from marooning me on a desert island, firing me into deep space or locking me in a Qatari prison. And these policies are incredibly popular.

“They’ve been rigorously focus-grouped and they are without doubt what the public want. And I want attention and don’t mind leading crowds in chants of ‘F**k off Farage!’ if that’s what it takes.

“Once I’ve been elected we’ll hold a referendum on whether I’m sentenced to 70 years in a one-man gulag in the Outer Hebrides, or sealed in a cylinder and lowered to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. And believe me, we’ll abide by the result.”

Voter Nikki Hollis said: “I’m slightly concerned that Nigel won’t really f**k off forever, after all the other times, but it’s our only hope. I’ve donated five grand.”