Five things 'staying alert' obviously won't protect you from

THE government claims ‘staying alert’ will protect us from coronavirus, even though it’s clearly bollocks. Here are some more things the vacuous new slogan won’t protect you from.

Being dumped 

Whether it’s been on cards or you’ve alienated your partner by eating cheese on toast in your pants throughout lockdown, no amount of alertness is going to stop you getting dumped. When they finally walk out or callously dump you by text, you’ll realise Boris Johnson was talking shite.   


Staying alert is not going to do anything to stop Father Time. Being vigilant against the signs of ageing might allow for some panic measures like dying your hair or buying some young person’s tight jeans, but it’s a losing battle. In fact alertness will just highlight things like wrinkles, constant tiredness and grey hairs, then, depressingly, pubes. 

Your parents 

You know they’re coming. Once lockdown is over. They’re coming. And they’ll have months of stored-up things to hassle you about, forcing you to admit “Yes I’ve put on weight in lockdown”, “No, I’m not doing okay for money” and much more. Being as alert as a kestrel after 10 cups of coffee won’t stop it.

Jury duty 

Alertness definitely won’t prevent the thud of the jury summons hitting the hallway mat. Then before you know it you’ll be trapped in a socially-distanced deliberation room with 11 other jurors shouting at each other about a minor post-pub scuffle as if they’re in Judge John Deed.

Grizzly bear attack 

Staying alert might help you spot the bear, but once they’re on your tail you don’t stand much chance in a life-or-death tussle with a 650lb mature, male bear. You’ll quickly find that the Discovery Channel was wrong, and that playing dead doesn’t work and running in zig-zags just makes them angrier. Thanks a bunch, Matt Hancock.

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Teachers get chance to be heroes by risking death for f**k all pay

TEACHERS will get to be pandemic heroes by risking death for salaries which do not in any way reflect that. 

The government has announced that the UK’s current underpaid heroes – nurses, doctors, care home staff and supermarket staff – will be joined by teachers delighted at the chance to die nobly in the line of duty. 

Education secretary Gavin Williamson said: “They’ll build statues to you. Banksy will do a shit painting of you. We’ll clap for you, if we’re still doing that next month.

“It’s possible you won’t get to enjoy it because you’ll be in hospital on a ventilator, but imagine how proud your family will be that you’re leading the pandemic’s second wave. 

“There won’t, of course, be any extra money available – in fact we’re planning a pay freeze – but heroes don’t care about that kind of thing. 

“Yes, you might die. Yes, that would appear to not be worth it just so Year One kids get taught one day a fortnight. But all wars need a pointless sacrifice, so why not a bunch of lefties?” 

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “I was especially excited to hear about all the planning put in place to protect us from catching coronavirus. No, just kidding, there isn’t any.”