Food intolerances linked to inability to shut your face

PEOPLE who believe they are intolerant to certain foods have been advised to stop going on about it.

‘Does this tea have wheat in it?’

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that those who claim to be unable to eat things could very easily just not fucking eat them without repeatedly going into tedious monologues about how serious it all is.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Because I’m not one of those utter freaks who became a gastroenterologist I have no interest in anyone’s digestive system but my own.

“And yet somehow Britain is now filled with millions people who can’t open a jam jar without turning it into yet another story about them.

“For a certain type of person, food intolerances are like A Levels. The more you’ve got, the cleverer you are.

“They even had to invent a thing called ‘gluten’, just so that they could be unable to eat it.

“I think it’s something to do with wanting attention. Perhaps saying that wheat makes your eyeballs sweat is like a British middle-class version of alien abduction.”

He added: “One solution to these trumped-up dietary woes is to visit a ‘naturopath’, basically a gimlet-eyed snake oil vendor who wears flannel trousers and writes bad poetry about the Earth having a fanny.”

Naturopath Tom Logan said: “Gluten is a thing and the Earth does have a very beautiful vagina.

“That’ll be ninety quid please.”