Former raver deeply disappointed by 'exercise high'

A MAN who spent his youth taking ecstasy is finding it impossible to reach the same levels of bliss by going to the gym, he has confirmed.

Tom Booker, aged 44, was told that running would make him feel as euphoric as double-dropping pills used to, but has instead found himself on a treadmill in Croydon.

He said: “I’m too middle-aged for E. Last time I was up I found myself raving about the new city centre John Lewis in Birmingham. It wasn’t cool.

“There’s coke, but you’re paying large sums just to pretend you’re not boring, and drinking gives me such brutal hangover anxiety I want to hide in my airing cupboard for two days.

“Apparently the endorphins produced by running make you feel as fucked off your face as actual drugs, though that hasn’t been my experience so far.

“I feel sick, my knees are wobbly and I want to sit down and have a good cry. That’s not the high. That’s the comedown.”

Personal trainer Carolyn Ryan said: “Honestly, I can’t imagine a more intense feeling of ecstasy than on my sunrise runs.

“Drugs? No, I’ve never taken drugs.”

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Third bottle of wine 'always a bad idea for wide variety of reasons'

THE opening of a third bottle of wine is always the point at which everything goes horribly wrong, research has found. 

Extensive studies have found that while one bottle is not enough and it seems a shame to stop at two, three is definitely too many.

Dr Helen Archer said: “We have definitively linked the choice to open a third bottle of wine with hangovers, vomiting, texting the really bad ex and the telling of home truths to formerly close friends.

“By uncorking that third bottle, even if it is a sunny evening and everyone is having a wonderful time, we uncork a nightmare of jealousy, recrimination, execrable singing and ultimately complete societal breakdown.

“Unfortunately we have discovered that the key effect of the second bottle is to cause drinkers to crave a third one, so there’s no solution just yet.”