Fried food ban could kill Scottish children

SCOTTISH children may die if schools can only serve them deep fried food once a week, it has been claimed.

Proposals to limit school canteens to one battered meal every seven days have been condemned as lethal to Scottish pupils, who have a genetic need to consume oily amber-coloured things.

Glasgow school cook Susan Traherne said: “Batter contains the nutrients that are essential to survive in the hostile Scottish climate.

“If this madness spreads north of the border, most kids will not last out the first week. They will start jittering and collapse, and you won’t be able to revive them with your so-called ‘salads’.”

Scottish eight-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “Mum told me never to talk to strangers or eat leaves. Food is crispy and that’s that.”

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Phil Neville's guide to Rio

Copacabana Beach 
The sand is very white, being made up of small particles of white rock and seems to stretch for miles, which is because it does stretch for miles. The average temperature can be as high as 31 degrees or as low as 19 degrees and sometime it can be 23 degrees. Or 28.

Christ The Redeemer Statue
The statue is 98 foot tall, which is the same as 16 people who are six foot tall. Plus another two feet. It was built between 1922 and 1931, which is nine years, not quite as long as I played for Manchester United. Manchester United is a club in the North of England, which has no statues of Christ taller than 80 feet. I don’t think so, anyway.

The national currency of Brazil is the real, as in ‘Real Madrid’ or ‘Real Gone Kid’, which is my favourite song to sing at karaoke. Karaoke is Japanese rather than Brazilian, but I’m sure they probably have karaoke bars over here. I’ve been a bit busy with the commentating and everything so I’ve not been out much to bars. I did have a lager in my hotel room last night, though, because I was really thirsty.

The favelas are where the really poor people in Rio live, a bit like Moss Side but with better dancers than Bez, who some people say I look a bit like. We were advised not to go there as it’s quite dangerous so I’ve not been there.

Sugarloaf Mountain
My favourite kind of loaf is the one with all the seeds in it that my wife gets, but you can’t get that over here so I’ve not really had much toast since I’ve been here. From the top of Sugarloaf Mountain you can see the favelas and the Christ The Redeemer Statue and Copacabana Beach, where the temperature can sometimes be 25 degrees. Or 30.