Sunday, 25th October 2020

Go on, p*ss off, gyms tell January joiners

EVERYONE who joined a gym in January has been emailed asking them to please stop attending if they have not already. 

The new joiners have been informed that their month of gym use is up and they are overdue to give up on their dream of health and fitness, so please p*ss off and stop clogging up the machines for real members.

Gym owner Steve Malley said: “Come on. You know you’re going to quit. Stop making this difficult for all of us.

“The regulars have been very good about you all coming in and sweating all over their equipment in your brand new lycra, but we’re into February now and it’s getting beyond a joke.

“The email should get rid of about 80 per cent of the stragglers. Those who persist will be given a free session with a personal trainer who’ll explain exactly what it takes to get as ripped as them and why you’ll never achieve it.

“Don’t book a spin class. It’s embarrassing for all of us. Off you f**k.”

New gym member Carolyn Ryan said: “I’m glad they reached out. I was sick of it. And because I can’t cancel my membership, they waive next January’s joining fee.”