Go on, piss off, gyms tell January joiners

EVERYONE who joined a gym in January has been emailed asking them to please stop attending if they have not already. 

The new joiners have been informed that their month of gym use is up and they are overdue to give up on their dream of health and fitness, so please piss off and stop clogging up the machines for real members.

Gym owner Steve Malley said: “Come on. You know you’re going to quit. Stop making this difficult for all of us.

“The regulars have been very good about you all coming in and sweating all over their equipment in your brand new lycra, but we’re into February now and it’s getting beyond a joke.

“The email should get rid of about 80 per cent of the stragglers. Those who persist will be given a free session with a personal trainer who’ll explain exactly what it takes to get as ripped as them and why you’ll never achieve it.

“Don’t book a spin class. It’s embarrassing for all of us. Off you f**k.”

New gym member Carolyn Ryan said: “I’m glad they reached out. I was sick of it. And because I can’t cancel my membership, they waive next January’s joining fee.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five made-up crises to be angry about now immigration is over

BRITAIN’S fictional immigration crisis is at an end thanks to Brexit, so what will Middle Englanders raise their blood pressure about now? Try these: 

Gender-neutral toilets

You could spend weeks searching for a gender-neutral loo in most of the country, so now’s the time to claim Gents and Ladies toilets are being outlawed and innocent children must defecate next to burly, bearded men in frocks. Ignore the clash with your belief that Britain is in the grip of Sharia law.

The face mask shortage

The coronavirus is here and it’s an absolute outrage that you can’t buy a years’ supply of face masks for you and your family. Why hasn’t the government been stockpiling them? Why is the NHS once again letting you, who isn’t ill, down?

Greta Thunberg’s plan to ban cars

The tiny Nordic eco-warrior’s relentless crusade to return the world to the Middle Ages will inevitably end in the banning of all cars, buses and even ambulances from British roads within the next 18 months. Need to get to hospital urgently? Sorry, Greta says you’ll have to walk.

Meghan Markle’s secret plot to become Queen

Not content with poisoning Prince Harry’s mind against his family and his beloved British tabloids, scheming Markle is plotting to kill her way to the throne using voodoo dolls, occultism, a witch doctor and other racist stereotypes.

Veganism to become law

The mere fact that Subway is doing a vegan sandwich means that we have only months to stop veganism becoming law. You can only fight this by continuing to eat meat which is freely available everywhere, just as you already do.