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Mobility scooter f**king excellent, pensioner reports

A PENSIONER on a mobility scooter has confirmed that riding it around town is just as cool and kick-ass as it appears. 

Norman Steele, aged 74, was bought the scooter by his children after a knee operation and now believes his local shopping precinct to be the post-nuclear outback and himself to be a geriatric Mad Max.

He said: “This bad boy? F**king rules.

“Sure, it only goes eight miles per hour, but you’ll be surprised how fast that seems when you aim it at a gang of pavement-blocking students. They are.

“Technically that’s not street legal, but the filth can’t touch me. Know what else? No such crime as drink-driving on this motherf**ker. Oh yeah. Can’t even be breathalysed.

“You should see the faces when I drive it straight into the post office. Everyone’s all ‘No way, he can’t do that’, then they see me grin and they’re all ‘Well sh*t, I guess he can.’

“Now get out of my way, ars*holes. I’ve got a pension to collect.”

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Boris Johnson's guide to breaking promises

WANT to look good? Tell everyone what they want to hear and make promises you have no intention of keeping. The prime minister explains how to lie your way to the top. 

Promise only for an unspecified future

Yesterday I threw out a few pledges about the environment that won’t happen for decades, if ever, and certainly won’t be my problem. Use similar ploys in everyday life: promise your daughter she can have that pony, but neglect to say you meant in 2055, when she’s 46.

Keep it vague 

Impress your boss by saying ‘I can guarantee real, bottom-line cost savings, Jeff.’ When, six months later, you’ve saved £1.35 by buying fractionally cheaper biros, you have delivered on that promise.

Cross your fingers

It is established in English statute law that crossing your fingers, even if behind your back, negates all promises. It’s tricky during sex but trust me it’s possible.

Associate exclusively with the gullible

Cultivate friendships with credulous dunces like my Brexit fanbase. If someone says ‘You promised to help me move flat on Saturday, so where were you?’ reply, ‘Sorry, Emma, MI6 called at the last minute again. Saved the world, yeah. Anyway, how about a shag?’

Only concern yourself with the very short-term

I’ll say anything to get through the 30 seconds of an interview. So if you want to get into someone’s pants by promising them a trip on your luxury yacht, go for it, even if you only work part-time at Asda. You won’t be found out for at least a day. In Boris time, that’s forever.

Don’t care about getting caught

So you lied? Big deal. It was only to avoid momentary difficulties and get what you wanted, so it’s fine, you’re happy, that’s all that matters. Psychiatrists call this sociopathic, but I can promise you it’s all just jolly Johnson fun.

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