Government hoping you die soon

WITH death rates at their lowest ever level, the government is encouraging you to die.

A range of pro-death measures have been unveiled, designed to help shrink the expensive, spiralling population.

All three wires in a plug will now be the same colour, bears can be kept as pets, and rancid rat meat is being promoted as an alternative to vegetables.

Obeying traffic lights has become voluntary, and driving on the left merely a suggestion.

The drink-driving limit is unchanged, but instead of being the maximum allowed, two drinks is now the minimum requirement before taking the wheel.

Prime minister David Cameron said: “These are difficult decisions, but I am proud of our new road safety slogan, ‘Seatbelts are for poofs.’

“Health and safety has gone too far in this country.  If someone wants to get in the bath wearing an electric blanket, the Conservative Party will back them all the way.”

He was speaking on a tour of the UK, during which he will personally remove all the nation’s manhole covers.

Mr Cameron said: “If you smell gas, try to fix the leak yourself.  If you need surgery, have a go at that too, it’s not difficult.”



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You're like that mentalist Bumgardener

Dear Holly,

I’ve had my eye on a woman from work for years, and finally she permitted me to have intercourse with her. I was a highly considerate and sensual lover, indulging her womanly desires to a shuddering crescendo before exploding across her heaving body like a firework that has been left in a biscuit tin since 1985. But now the cow has decided she’s not interested and would rather be just friends. What did I do wrong?


Market Deeping

Dear Peter,

Oh dear. Never let someone play with all your best toys the first time they come to your house, or they’ll never be back. You need to tease them for a few weeks with your rubbish Barbies and a tea set before you give them access to your Moshi monsters. You’re like that mentalist, Felix Bumgardener, leaping from the edge of the ozone layer at the speed of Sonic the Hedgehog. All very impressive, but what next? You can’t get higher than that. He should have started off with jumping off my granny’s garage, then maybe he would have more to run with. As it is, we’re all left disappointed and wishing a little bit that he’d gone splat.

Hope that helps!