Miliband gets absolute shit kicked out of him

ED Miliband doesn’t talk so big when he’s in a headlock, Andrew Mitchell has confirmed.

The Labour leader received an almighty kicking after he got cocky in front of his friends at PMQs and described the belligerent, cop-baiting chief whip Mitchell as ‘toast’.

Tory back bencher Denys Finch Hatton said: “Mitchell approached Miliband as he was unchaining his bike. He simply pointed at him and said, ‘You.'”

“The subsequent beating lasted around eight minutes. No one wanted to intervene, it was just nature taking its course.”



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People paying to watch football

YOU have to pay to get into football matches, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found that every senior club in the country charges an admission fee while some fans even pay for lots of matches at the same time.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Initially we wanted to study the attraction of football as a leisure activity, beyond the fact that it was free to get in.

“We turned up at Southampton and noticed there was money being handed over. I wondered if perhaps it was a bureau de change.

“When the club chairman explained it to me, I was like ‘no, surely not’. He said fans had been paying for tickets as long as he could remember and I was like, ‘are they mentally ill?’.

“Anyway, we then phoned every other club in the country and, to our horror, every single one confirmed that they charge people to get in.

“And then we found out about ‘season tickets’. Fucking Nora.”