Starbucks crowded out by ruthless independent tearooms

STARBUCKS is being crowded out of the UK market by the ruthless business practices of quirky local tearooms.

The coffee chain said it failed to make a success of its UK operation because every time it opens a branch, some filthy hippies or a group of divorced women immediately set up shop next door.

UK boss Kris Engskov said: “The hippies always have massive teams of accountants, while the middle-aged divorcees have huge marketing budgets.

“They outmanoeuvre us at every turn, constantly forcing us to open new branches and put our prices up.”

Engskov said the company would continue to pay very small amounts of UK corporation tax until the government broke the stranglehold of tearooms that have an old piano in the corner and jugs of home made milk.

Margaret Gerving, chairman and chief executive of the Rose Petal Tearooms in Guildford, said: “The hot beverage market is like the Serengeti. I am a cheetah and Starbucks is an ageing wildebeest. I will feast on them.”

Julian Cook, finance director of the Ashram Cafe in Finsbury Park, said: “We are continually amortising all our non-core stock while carrying prefabricated losses forward into the next fiscal window.

“If Starbucks can’t keep up then maybe they shouldn’t be in business. As Ghandi said ‘do you have change for the person I’d like to be?'”

Meanwhile, Britain has rallied round Starbucks and offered to chip-in for a big card that says ‘Why don’t you just fuck off?’.

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Hirst unveils pregnant statue's useless boyfriend

DAMIEN Hirst’s bronze of a pregnant teenager has been joined by a statue of her skunk-addled boyfriend.

The artist revealed that his 66ft tribute to the town’s teen pregnancy rate has a 77ft bronze boyfriend called Ryan.

The Ryan statue shows the young impregnator wearing sports leisurewear, with an X Box controller in one hand and a 25ft skunk bifter in the other.

He said: “The concept is that the female statue, Donna, met Ryan at a party while wrecked on WKD.

“She was impressed by the fact that he was a part-time happy hardcore DJ and the pair had a bunk up in the bog.

“Soon afterwards Donna revealed she was up the spout with a massive bronze baby.

“Now Ryan’s shitting himself, he’s trying to do the right thing but is worried he might have to get a proper job instead of selling small amounts of weed to his little brother’s friends.”

Ilfracombe resident Roy Hobbs said: “I’m fine with it, they seem like a nice enough couple really and she has a belting set of charlies.”

Hirst also plans a third giant bronze sculpture representing Ryan’s cherished 1994 Corsa with lowered suspension and 500W of Kenwood ‘ice’ in the boot.