Government only wants you healthy so that you keep doing work

THE government is only trying to keep you alive so you can continue working, it has emerged.

Following the announcement of plans to cut sugar levels in snacks, ministers admitted they didn’t want your internal organs to keep working just for the sake of it.

Tory backbencher Denys Finch-Hatton said: “You may have been touched by our concern about your smoking, drinking, poor diet and the fatty deposits on your hips.

“Frankly we need 50 years work out of each and every one of you, so the days of happily dying a pork-related death at the age of 55 are over.

“The pleasure-filled lives your parents enjoyed – Black Forest gateau, smoking in bed, a chip pan on every hot surface – are over.

“We must eliminate every treat to extend your miserable life of servitude. Only on your death-bed, when you are withered and spent from a lifetime of repetitive toil, can you have a Malteser.”

Solicitor Carolyn Ryan said: “I still miss the rich, beetley tang of cochineal and the hyperactive peak of sunset yellow from childhood squash drinks. And now they’re taking away my sugar?

“From now on I’ll just have to specify how many spoons of sugar I want in my coke. Probably six, like a builder.”

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Public unsure what to do with information about big shops' sales figures


REPORTS of big shops’ Christmas sales figures have left Britons baffled and mildly anxious.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “The news keeps telling me that Sainsbury’s has sold less stuff.

“Is that bad? Or is it good because it means there’s more chance of getting the vegetables I need?

“Why am I being given this piece of information?”

Office worker Stephen Malley said: “I am supposed to feel I’ve let Marks & Spencer down by shopping in Primark?

“Is Waitrose good and other shops evil? Is that it?

“I just don’t get this sort of news at all.”