GP insists on making small talk during prostate exam

A MAN was left shocked when his GP kept chatting casually as if he did not have his finger up his anus.

Dr Stephen Malley’s pleasant, cheerful personality turned Norman Steele’s routine prostate check-up into a never-to-be-forgotten anal ordeal.

Steele said: “The doc seemed a bit on the chatty side from the start, but I presumed he’d pipe down once my arse was out. I only started to panic when he asked me about what team I supported as he popped his gloves on.

“It’s incredibly difficult to calmly chat about the merits of 4-4-2 versus 4-3-3 without your voice breaking as a bloke wags his finger around in your bottom. It’s like a challenge from some twisted version of The Cube.

“I don’t want to discuss I’m a Celebrity while some man wears me like a giant novelty ring. I’m here to find out why it feels like I’m going to burst into flames whenever I go for a piss.”

Dr Malley broadened the chat with a lighthearted account of recent staff shortages at the clinic due to colds, but Steele was preoccupied wondering if he was trapped in Hell.

Responding to the criticism, Dr Malley said: “We can talk through any issues Mr Steele may have with my bedside manner when he’s next in, I believe for a testicular cancer examination.

“I’ve already got some great bantz lined up about Man City and the weather. It’ll be fun.”

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Calling your teacher 'mum': Embarrassing moments you still relive every single week

SOME moments are so embarrassing that the memory of them pops up on shuffle every few days. Here are some low points in your life you’ll be made to relive.

Losing your virginity

Expectations weren’t high, but it may have descended into a panicked farce of condoms falling off and impotence. Despite it being many years and relationships ago, the memory will replay itself with the slightest trigger, eg. dunking a biscuit in your tea and it going floppy.

Vomiting in your friend’s parents’ car

A lift from your mate’s dad after underage beers resulted in you launching a volcano of vomit into the footwell. Now your mate always treats you to a full recap of how you spewed in the Volvo and begged ‘Please don’t tell my mum’. Your mate’s dad Lionel doesn’t laugh it off these days either, he still seems pretty f**ked off 25 years later.

Calling your teacher ‘mum’

The world can be split into two camps – people who have grown into normal members of society, and losers who did this. As a small child you accidentally called Mrs Lewis ‘Mum’, causing uproar in the classroom. You might’ve been cool with your Power Rangers lunch box but no longer. Goodbye innocence and welcome to the real world. It’s cruel as f**k.

Forgetting your boss’s name

You know this. You really do. They interviewed you. You see them every day. But when someone asks for an introduction OH GOD YOU’VE DRAWN A COMPLETE F**KING BLANK ON THEIR NAME. Is it Keith? Jeremy? Mark? The Rock? Scooby? Bang goes your career. You’ll never, ever live this down, even if the universe implodes leaving nothing but an infinite, timeless void.

Being rejected by someone way out of your league

Head-over-heels mutual true love only happens in movies. Your love life has been a series of compromises and misfires, including someone you adored saying a polite ‘Thanks, but no thanks’. They could at least have laughed as if it was a totally ridiculous suggestion* because then you could just hate them.

*It probably was.