Letting Djokovic stay could ruin our delicate ecosystem of twats, says Australia

ALLOWING Novak Djokovic to stay and compete in the Open could unbalance Australia’s ecosystem of enormous twats, the country has confirmed.

The world’s current number one twat Djokovic faces deportation because he poses a threat to the country’s indigenous racists, macho lager drinkers and prime minister Scott Morrison.

Border security officer Ryan Whittaker said: “Australia is home to unique species of twat who speak in bullshit slang used nowhere else in the world. But if we let in an even more virulent twat like Novak Djokovic they risk extinction.

“That’s why our border checks are so famously strict. If just one hot-tempered Serbian tennis player slips through then the harmony of Vegemite obsessives and surfer dickheads will be upset. And once they’re gone they’re not coming back.

“Even notoriously twatty animals like the box jellyfish and the funnel-web spider would voluntarily shrivel up and die. They know they don’t stand a chance against a man who struck a ball at a female line judge.

“Once Djokovics start breeding in large numbers, they could displace our most iconic twats, from surprisingly vicious koalas to our PM Scott Morrison, who’s still dragging his feet on climate change and goes on holiday when half the country’s on fire.”

Indigenous Australian Mary Fisher said: “God, yeah, it would be awful if twats came to this beautiful country and ruined it.”

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Farmers furious at government giving them same money to grow different shit

THE UK’s farmers are up in arms at government plans to continue handing them large subsidies but to grow slightly different things. 

The new post-Brexit agricultural policy means farmers will be paid by taxpayers to grow trees and provide habitats for wildlife instead of being paid by the EU to keep fields empty, and predictably they are losing their shit. 

Farmer Tom Booker of Shropshire said: “My family’s been reaping traditional EU subsidies for generations. And now we’re expected to change all that just because we voted for Brexit?

“Encouraging water voles and sand lizards just to prevent environmental collapse and absorb carbon? Not on my watch. If I see a kingfisher I give it both barrels. They’re just vermin.

“Thinking we’re selfless servants of the land, and turning it into some tree-canopied arcadia such as existed before the advent of industrialised farming, just shows these politicians don’t understand the ways of the countryside. 

“Our manure-spreaders are fully loaded with liquid faeces, we’ve filled up on red diesel and we’re off to Westminster again, as is traditional.” 

Environment secretary George Eustice said: “The agricultural role of the British government is to funnel money to landowners, and I promise you that will not change.”