How the Colston Four verdict means the end of Western civilisation as we know it

THE ‘Colston Four’ being cleared of criminal damage spells the end of our once great country. Here gammon Roy Hobbs explains why.

Vandalism has been legalised

The ruling has set a precedent for vandalism to be legal. Anyone could scrawl ‘BIGOTED WANKER’ on my Audi if they did it with ‘antiracist conviction’. I’m sure the unwashed lefty students next door did it last time. Them or Mrs Perkins who runs the charity shop.

History is cancelled

If we don’t have monuments to old blokes I didn’t give a shit about before all this BLM rubbish, we’ll forget history and the past will be completely erased. Without Edward Colston being honoured I can’t even remember what I had for lunch yesterday.

None of our statues are safe

We’ll have to form vigilante gangs to guard our precious statues from Marxist nutters intent on desecrating them. How long before someone welds a giant cock to the forehead of Sir Winston Churchill in Parliament Square? No, it wouldn’t be hilarious. That’s treason, mate. I’m reporting you to the police.

Mobs will decide everything

This verdict means we’ve accepted mob rule, so a mob will decide everything. Do you want to have to wait for a mob to turn up and tell you whether you can go to B&Q on Sunday morning to return a faulty drill bit? Well get used to it, because that’s definitely going to happen.

Wokeness is now a defence in the eyes of the law

You can get away with anything if you do it in the name of ‘wokeness’. Even murder, probably. Although murder doesn’t sound very woke. That’s the kind of thing that snowflakes cry about, isn’t it? A murder is what started this whole thing. Hang on, I’m confused now. Again.

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The Pope's guide to shagging

PEOPLE need to have more children instead of pets, according to Pope Francis. Here the 85-year-old celibate explains how to start making babies. 

Remember sex is a sin

If you’re not married, remember during sex that fornication is a sin and you’ll be tormented forever in the fires of Hell by demons plucking out your eyeballs and sticking red hot pokers up your jacksie. But don’t let that put you off your stroke. 

Create a romantic atmosphere

Get in the mood for sex by lighting your bedroom with scented candles, putting on some gentle music and strewing the bed with rose petals. Or do it in one of the romantic locations favoured by Catholic priests, such as a choirboys’ dormitory.

Practise and become a superb lover

Learn to satisfy your partner with sexual techniques such as… actually this isn’t my sphere of expertise. Give her nipples a good hard tug, or tell him he’s got a giant penis like a sausage dog draught excluder. Keep saying ‘Sexy sexy!’ to stay turned on during the sordid act. 

Remember every sex must result in a baby

You won’t need a condom, which I’m told is good, and has the added benefit of not going to Hell. Also the thought of a house full of screaming, shitting babies you can’t afford to feed or clothe will make sex more rewarding and enjoyable.

Watch porn with your partner

I cannot condone watching unmarried bisexual MILF threesomes on Pornhub – not that I know what any of that means – but I see no harm in a bit of Renaissance porn showing a naked Adam and Eve being tricked into sex by a devious, talking reptile. That’s perfectly normal. 

Kill your pet 

Put your kitten or puppy in a sack and drown it, or squash it with your car. Then celebrate with some passionate lovemaking, safe in the knowledge that you won’t be tempted to look after a pet and are helping to overpopulate the world instead.