How sex education is different nowadays, by a middle-aged man speculating

TEENAGERS today are at it like rabbits, I reckon. I’m Martin Bishop, I’m 44, and I’m shocked by my own speculations about how sex education is today: 

Girls know about sex now

Back then girls weren’t really allowed to know anything about sex in case they got pregnant. Nowadays they’ve all read about it in the Twilight books and it’s about ‘empowerment’ and ‘enjoying it’. How’s that going to help them in life?

They don’t believe any old shit

All ages are well-informed now, so they don’t have to rely on what their dickhead mate Paul tells them in the playground. I always had doubts that you’d be fitted with a prosthetic wooden penis if a vagina snapped it off. But then apparently Mr Griffin had one.

Teachers are relaxed about sex too

Sex education is now taught in a mature, broadminded way, instead of a socially dysfunctional science teacher showing cutaway drawings of fallopian tubes. It’s not fair that today’s kids don’t get flashbacks of Mr Gosling’s combover and Gerry Adams beard when they think about it.

Teenagers are liberal about each other’s sexuality

Straight, gay, bi or trans – all sexualities are accepted, especially by teenage boys. Sex education lessons no longer prompt an interrogation over whether you are a ‘gayer’ for having a well-stocked pencil case.

They’ve seen naked people

Naked Attraction, well it’s enough to put you off for life but it’s also educational. My only memories of nudity were the glimpses from the miniature railway going past Brighton’s naturist beach. They weren’t enough to build an understanding. You can’t please a woman based on that.

It’s not fair

In my day we looked at pictures of stamens and watched a video with a green cartoon VD. I spent years in ignorance. That’s why I never had a girlfriend, not because I had a monobrow and only one pair of jeans.

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Kate at 40: is it time we replaced her with Emma Watson?

THE Duchess of Cambridge celebrates her 40th birthday on Sunday, and our grateful nation is wondering if now is the time to replace her. 

It once seemed that Kate would never age. That she would remain perpetually gamine, coltish and possessed of the tinkling giggle of a schoolgirl.

But, with that day hard upon us, we must face reality. Her perpetual prettiness in a Joseph dress will fade. She will inevitably travel the sad path from Foy to Colman to Staunton, as has our own beloved Queen.

Kate has served her country well. But time and tide can be stopped by no man, nor even royalty.

This country is blessed with a surfeit of young, pretty poshish girls. The Prince can pick any one. Why not go for the top and switch out Kate for the bewitching Emma Watson?

Similiar in looks but better in every way, Watson is beloved on social media and genuinely A-list. She could produce more heirs while charming presidents and genocidal despots alike.

Or if not Watson, then Florence Pugh or Felicity Jones or Lily Collins. So many potential princesses to announce the arrival of Brexit Britain to the global stage.

Most importantly of all, think of how this would hurt Meghan. No longer the glamour girl of the Windsors, but a wrinkled hag.

No longer the top Royal in Hollywood but a second-string washed-up bitter old actress not unlike Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard. Harry would divorce her tomorrow.

We will celebrate Kate’s birthday with her on Sunday, then she will be escorted to the Balmoral reserve for surplus Royals. Then let’s get Watson in.