Doing f**k all not really a plan, Johnson told

THE prime minister has been informed that ‘riding it out’ is doing nothing, does not amount to a plan and he should try again.

Johnson’s announcement that tests are scarce, the NHS is overwhelmed in places, and infections are at a record high so we must all continue as normal is not so much Plan B as Plan F**k It, the public has agreed.

A Downing Street insider said: “It contains none of the necessary criteria to warrant the title of a plan. It doesn’t even have a three-word slogan.

“Apparently we’re on a ‘war footing’. No we’re not. It’s like if Churchill said ‘just ignore the Nazi invasion, it only encourages them.’

“Given that the Brexit plan was to leave the EU and work out the details later we shouldn’t feign surprise, but surely we could do something. Why not copy Scotland, as usual?

“It’s not a plan, it’s a Keep Calm and Carry On cushion. It literally is. That’s where he got it from.”

Voter Bill McKay said: “It is not at all a plan, but I can’t take another f**king January lockdown so I’m happy going along with it.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman will find correct bra size the moment she's comfortable with strange woman in shop poking at her tits

A WOMAN has promised to be in her perfect bra size as soon as she is cool with a shop assistant prodding and lifting her boobs.  

Though Eleanor Shaw has long suffered the discomfort of itchy straps, tight underwires, and cup spillage, she is no more comfortable with the idea of a personal bra fitting in her local M&S where she buys sandwiches.

She said: “I’m uncomfortable taking my top off alone in a changing room, let alone while a stern-yet-mumsy woman goes at my tits with a tape measure murmuring ‘big girl, aren’t we?’

“It’s not exactly like getting your feet meaured at Clarks, is it? It’s deeply intimate.

“All my friends who’ve done it rave about how well their bras fit now, ’Oh, I never would have known I was actually a 34G’, bollocks, skimming over the fact they had to do a tittie show for Deborah in womenswear.

“Would blokes go get their cocks measured for better fitting, more supporting jockey trunks? Would they f**k.”