GPs To Rate Patients On The Basis Of Leaving Them Alone

GP waiting times are to be scrapped so doctors can prioritise based on a patient’s potential to disrupt their wine shopping.

The British Medical Association said the previous 48-hour appointment deadline meant that too many doctors were being forced to buy their wine after 5pm, when the shops were full of other people.

Under the new system, patients will receive a consultation while sitting in the back of their GP’s Lexus, or be sent a text message from Corney and Barrow telling them to call 999 if anything falls off.

Dr Nathan Muir said: “It’s a simple matter of looking down the list and shifting anybody called Agnes or Dorothy, or any of the other moany old bastard names, straight to the back of the queue.

“Last winter I lost count of the number of old giffers I wasted an hour with, only for them to bite the big scone a week later. And I was right in the middle of a really good Chateauneuf du Pape. Arseholes.”

But Muir stressed the reforms would not mean a reduction in service quality as anybody with one of the skank names – like Chantelle or something that ends with an ‘i’ instead of a ‘y’ – can expect to be seen the same day.

He added: “Even if it means conducting the consultation after the surgery has closed. In fact, that’s probably the best time, you know, for all the medicine to work better.”

Meanwhile the BMA confirmed that patients transferring to a new surgery will need a reference stating that they never, ever bothered their previous GP, not even for one minute.

Muir said: “Like all doctors I want to be able to buy top quality wines while offering a modern and efficient service to a seemingly endless procession of female volley ball players with nothing wrong with them apart from over-sized breasts and chronic sex addiction.”


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Ikea Using Gas That Makes You Forget Your Last Visit

FURNITURE giant Ikea is using memory-wiping gas to make customers forget how awful their visit has been, it was claimed yesterday.

Sources claim the company uses a scentless substance known as Skortl, administered at the checkout area, which obscures customers’ recollection of the horrors they have just experienced in the seemingly endless labyrinth of cheap objects.

Shopper Bill McKay said: “The last time we went to Ikea, I had a cold, but I was determined that our living room would not be fit for human consumption until I had installed a beech-veneered fjrkntruupel.

“As the hours passed – with no sign of the fjrkntruupel or an exit – the trolley filled with increasingly unnecessary items selected through a weird mix of panic and self-doubt until eventually we began to turn on each other.

“I made a deliberately antagonistic comment to my wife about how I’d rather ram broken glass up my own arse than ever ever ever fucking ever do this again, and then she punched me really hard in the windpipe. Meanwhile our eight-year-old son Robert responded by stabbing her repeatedly in the thigh with one of the little pencils they give you.

“Yet no sooner had we left the building, bleeding and ragged, than my wife was talking happily about how we didn’t really need another 47 bags of vanilla flavoured tea lights.

“It was then I remembered being sprayed in the face at the checkout by a yellow-shirted girl who laughed in our faces and called us ‘dreadful, bovine twats’. Clearly they didn’t count on my blocked sinuses.”

A spokesman for Ikea said said the company was pleased to announce the opening of its first British stores and looked forward to introducing millions of customers to a new shopping experience.

Retail analyst Stephen Malley said: “Memory gas doesn’t sound like the kind of thing Ikea would do, but then again I’ve never been there.”

He added: “By the way, can I just ask you something – is your house completely full of tea lights?”