GP waiting times are to be scrapped so doctors can prioritise based on a patient’s potential to disrupt their wine shopping.
The British Medical Association said the previous 48-hour appointment deadline meant that too many doctors were being forced to buy their wine after 5pm, when the shops were full of other people.
Under the new system, patients will receive a consultation while sitting in the back of their GP’s Lexus, or be sent a text message from Corney and Barrow telling them to call 999 if anything falls off.
Dr Nathan Muir said: “It’s a simple matter of looking down the list and shifting anybody called Agnes or Dorothy, or any of the other moany old bastard names, straight to the back of the queue.
“Last winter I lost count of the number of old giffers I wasted an hour with, only for them to bite the big scone a week later. And I was right in the middle of a really good Chateauneuf du Pape. Arseholes.”
But Muir stressed the reforms would not mean a reduction in service quality as anybody with one of the skank names – like Chantelle or something that ends with an ‘i’ instead of a ‘y’ – can expect to be seen the same day.
He added: “Even if it means conducting the consultation after the surgery has closed. In fact, that’s probably the best time, you know, for all the medicine to work better.”
Meanwhile the BMA confirmed that patients transferring to a new surgery will need a reference stating that they never, ever bothered their previous GP, not even for one minute.
Muir said: “Like all doctors I want to be able to buy top quality wines while offering a modern and efficient service to a seemingly endless procession of female volley ball players with nothing wrong with them apart from over-sized breasts and chronic sex addiction.”