Everyone's Gran To Die On Wednesday Morning

MILLIONS of grandmothers across England are expected to pass away some time tomorrow morning, it has been confirmed.

Personnel departments are bracing themselves for a grandmother holocaust as workers say they need the afternoon off to be with their families and begin to come to terms with the sad death of a sweet natured but feisty old woman, known to everyone simply as ‘nana’.

Tom Logan, an NHS administrator from Stevenage said: “I actually started laying the ground work last week. I saw my line manager heading in my direction, so I picked up my phone and started saying stuff like ‘oh no’ and ‘what do the doctors reckon?’.

“My manager asked if everything was okay and I said that my gran had just had another stroke. And then I said something about her being a ‘tough old bird’ and we both nodded silently. Then he placed his hand briefly on my shoulder and said ‘whatever you need, just let me know’, nodded again and then walked away.

“It’s working like a fucking charm.”

Helen Archer, an accounts assistant from Doncaster said: “My gran has died four times in the last two years. Poor thing. Anyway, this time I’m swithering between ‘long illness’ and ‘attacked by a fox’.

“Long illness is a bit of cliché whereas fox attack is suddenly very believable. And how can I be expected to sit at my desk knowing that my lovely old nana is lying in some mortuary covered in bite marks?”

Martin Bishop, a sales executive from Hatfield, added: “My gran actually died last Friday. The funeral is at 1.30 on Wednesday afternoon and it doesn’t finish until five so I will need the whole afternoon off.

“There is an announcement in the local paper if you want to have a look. But if you could just make sure my gran doesn’t see it, because she will freak out.”


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Tory fears grow as fox spotted on top of horse

TORY fears of a brutal fox insurgency are growing  after one of them was spotted trying to ride a horse.

Martin Bishop, a big fat Tory who farms eight million acres near Asterley in Shropshire, said: “It was all a bit haphazard. He obviously didn’t know where to put his back legs and he kept falling off.

“But he was wearing a little hat, so they obviously know about equestrian safety. I’ll tell you what, once these buggers get the hang of it, I am a dead man walking.”

Bill McKay, assistant chief constable of Shropshire Police, said: “I would advise Tories to stay indoors unless they’re very good at hiding in hedgerows or able to leave some kind of false scent.

“But if a Tory does find yourself in open countryside with a group of mounted foxes hurtling towards it, either pretend to be a tree or try digging a hole really, really quickly.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “There is no more dangerous combination in all of nature than a fox who knows how to ride a horse.

“It would be fascinating to see a group of mounted foxes up close. I wonder if they’ll be twats?”