Everyone’s Gran To Die On Wednesday Morning

MILLIONS of grandmothers across England are expected to pass away some time tomorrow morning, it has been confirmed.

She would have wanted you to enjoy yourself

Personnel departments are bracing themselves for a grandmother holocaust as workers say they need the afternoon off to be with their families and begin to come to terms with the sad death of a sweet natured but feisty old woman, known to everyone simply as ‘nana’.

Tom Logan, an NHS administrator from Stevenage said: “I actually started laying the ground work last week. I saw my line manager heading in my direction, so I picked up my phone and started saying stuff like ‘oh no’ and ‘what do the doctors reckon?’.

“My manager asked if everything was okay and I said that my gran had just had another stroke. And then I said something about her being a ‘tough old bird’ and we both nodded silently. Then he placed his hand briefly on my shoulder and said ‘whatever you need, just let me know’, nodded again and then walked away.

“It’s working like a fucking charm.”

Helen Archer, an accounts assistant from Doncaster said: “My gran has died four times in the last two years. Poor thing. Anyway, this time I’m swithering between ‘long illness’ and ‘attacked by a fox’.

“Long illness is a bit of cliché whereas fox attack is suddenly very believable. And how can I be expected to sit at my desk knowing that my lovely old nana is lying in some mortuary covered in bite marks?”

Martin Bishop, a sales executive from Hatfield, added: “My gran actually died last Friday. The funeral is at 1.30 on Wednesday afternoon and it doesn’t finish until five so I will need the whole afternoon off.

“There is an announcement in the local paper if you want to have a look. But if you could just make sure my gran doesn’t see it, because she will freak out.”