AS the summer festival season gets under way, organisers have warned against using ecstasy, cocaine and skunk that does not carry the logo of an official sponsor.
Festival-goers are being urged to stick to corporate-branded narcotics at events including The Big Mong, Escape to the Former Trading Estate and Gurnfest.
A spokesman for promotion company Beaufoy Industrial Ventures (Guernsey) plc, trading as FucktheMan Ltd, said: “We are excited to announce deals with a major burger chain, a trainer company and the ethical smoothee maker Friendly Cow.
“With their help we are able to bring festival-goers high-quality promotional drugs that will get them absolutely ripped to the tits in a safe, corporate environment.
“Friendly Cow pills contain 5655mg of MDMA, which according to science is enough to make being tortured seem really chilled and groovy.”
He added: “Inevitably there will be some individuals selling unofficial drugs, perhaps bearing the logos of companies not directly associated with the festival.
“Be warned – these illicit brand pushers do not care about the corporate values of the companies their drugs are promoting, or whether they are consistent with the event’s overall brand identity.
“They will also make you have a massive anal haemorrhage in front of attractive girls.”
Forty nine year-old festival-goer and mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “I’ll be taking my teenage daughters to Gurnfest this year, so it’ll be very reassuring to see lots of familiar household names all over our drugs and shit.”
Music lover Nathan Muir added: “Part of me believes this is about the increasing corporatisation of music culture and subtly demeaning to the notion of experiencing art in an autonomous communal environment. But a bigger part of me couldn’t give a fuck if it means I can get so totally monkeyed I end up thinking I’m one of Queen Victoria’s nipples.”