Festival-Goers Warned Over Non-Corporate Sponsored Drugs

AS the summer festival season gets under way, organisers have warned against using ecstasy, cocaine and skunk that does not carry the logo of an official sponsor.

Festival-goers are being urged to stick to corporate-branded narcotics at events including The Big Mong, Escape to the Former Trading Estate and Gurnfest.

A spokesman for promotion company Beaufoy Industrial Ventures (Guernsey) plc, trading as FucktheMan Ltd, said: “We are excited to announce deals with a major burger chain, a trainer company and the ethical smoothee maker Friendly Cow.

“With their help we are able to bring festival-goers high-quality promotional drugs that will get them absolutely ripped to the tits in a safe, corporate environment.

“Friendly Cow pills contain 5655mg of MDMA, which according to science is enough to make being tortured seem really chilled and groovy.”

He added: “Inevitably there will be some individuals selling unofficial drugs, perhaps bearing the logos of companies not directly associated with the festival.

“Be warned – these illicit brand pushers do not care about the corporate values of the companies their drugs are promoting, or whether they are consistent with the event’s overall brand identity.

“They will also make you have a massive anal haemorrhage in front of attractive girls.”

Forty nine year-old festival-goer and mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “I’ll be taking my teenage daughters to Gurnfest this year, so it’ll be very reassuring to see lots of familiar household names all over our drugs and shit.”

Music lover Nathan Muir added: “Part of me believes this is about the increasing corporatisation of music culture and subtly demeaning to the notion of experiencing art in an autonomous communal environment. But a bigger part of me couldn’t give a fuck if it means I can get so totally monkeyed I end up thinking I’m one of Queen Victoria’s nipples.”

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The Time For Talking About How The Time For Talking Is Over Is Over, Says Terry

ENGLAND’S John Terry has said that it is time for the players to step up a gear in their gear-step-upping ahead of their game against Slovenia.

Following disappointing results against the USA and Algeria, Terry has promised to give 100% in his promises to give 100% from now on.

He insisted: “We know how much it means to everyone back home to hear us say we know how much it means to everyone back home.”

Captain Steven Gerrard added: “We’ve been disappointed in ourselves by how little we’ve mentioned how disappointed in ourselves we are.”

FA chiefs admitted the squad’s cliché skills have not been good enough and have now drafted in a linguistics coach to run drills on fatuous bullshit.

Sports semiologist Tom Logan said: “It’s all about unlocking their key strengths and then utilising it accordingly in one dreary soundbite after another.

“You need David James at the back, providing a calm, level-headed series of platitudes and I think they’ve really missed Gareth Barry in the middle, providing cover for how bad they all are at playing football.”

An FA source said: “If this does not raise morale then we are going to have to try something a bit experimental. I wonder if they’d be motivated by a hotel room full of prostitutes and £50,000 a week?”

Meanwhile there have been renewed calls for the FA to stick to English managers for the national squad because only an Englishman could have told Wayne Rooney not to display the sort of first touch that is normally associated with a schoolboy who dreams of being in the cast of Glee.

Roy Hobbs, an England supporter who spent £5658.23 on his trip to South Africa, said: “If they fail to beat Slovenia I hope there’s a camera on hand to catch Wayne Rooney reflecting on how nice it is when your own fans chase you down the street with a credit card bill and a fucking great sword.”