GPs Urge Government To Confirm Online Banking Details

DOCTORS are urging the government to confirm its online banking details before account access is suspended.

Local GPs and consultants have been sending a series of increasingly urgent emails to the Treasury this week warning that account security has been compromised and advising them to act now.

A BMA spokesman said: "We started off with a friendly note about an online banking survey, but it escalated quickly to a full-scale warning to reactivate the account.

"I think next time we'll try and sell them the secret of how to make $62,000 a week by working from home."

A Treasury spokesman said: "It's reassuring that they have acted so quickly to warn us of the potential security threats.

"Although I have to say the poor spelling provides shocking evidence of the damage done to our education system by Tony Blair and his fancy friends.

"One of the emails was addressed 'Dear Valude Custommer'. I expect the prime minister will want to review that."

The BMA spokesman added: "We expect to start draining the money this afternoon. Hopefully we'll have made off with about £2 billion by tea time."

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Sting's Next Album Will Be 'Just Awful' Critics Predict

STING'S next album has been panned by critics more than two years before he is due to start recording it.

Carl Shurz, chief reviewer of rock bible Twang, said the album would probably be called something stupid like Comanche Scallops and sound like 'a cow giving birth next to the M25'.

Einar Gilkyson, writing in the German jazz magazine Fahrtz, described it as 'an impending crime against humanity' and predicted the largest ensemble of badly tuned lutes in musical history.

Shurz said: "At Twang we don't normally give an album a terrible review until it has at least been recorded.

"But as soon as I heard that Sting was even thinking of making another record, I felt compelled to review it as quickly and as badly as possible."

Meanwhile Gilkyson, one of the most influential reviewers in jazz, said Comanche Scallops would be an, 'unrelenting exercise in self-congratulatory masturbation by a musician who clearly has his fingers on the wrong way round'.

He said the opening track, probably called something vacuous like Love Mussel, would most likely be a disgusting, free jazz workout featuring Sting on the lyre and Winton Marsalis on the alto euphonium.

He added: "Ostensibly an ode to the Belgian national dish of moules et frites it will in fact be a 15 minute paean to the art of tantric cunnilingus.

"I expect to be physically sick."