Grey-haired dead-eyed morning Wetherspoons drinker only 28

A HUNCHED, shuffling red-nosed man sitting alone in Wetherspoons at 9.45am staring at a half-drunk pint is under 30, it has emerged. 

Tom Logan, a regular at his local bargain-priced pub, is assumed to be a pensioner or at least a former miner when he is actually too young to remember Gazza’s tears at Italia 90.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The clusters of old men you see in Wetherspoons first thing in the morning have baffled social scientists for years.

“Are they war heroes who breakfast on four pints of lager and spend the rest of the day in a haze? Or is there no heating in their sheltered flat so they make one pint last right through to closing time, staring blankly at faux library shelves through bloodshot eyes?

“The answer, it turns out, is none of the above. These old people are actually young people. Young people who in their early 20s went on package holidays and fell in love with early morning drinking at the airport.

“Let this be a warning to the young. If you need a pint, wait until at least midday. It’s the great battle all of us fight.”

Logan said: “These kids with their iPhones. They don’t know what living is.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman reads latest Weinstein story, rolls eyes, gets on with job

A WOMAN has rolled her eyes at the latest Harvey Weinstein revelations and then got on with doing her job, it has been confirmed.

Jane Thomson, a teaching assistant from North London, scrolled through a story on the Guardian website during her commute, shook her head briefly and then focused on her poorly paid job helping to educate children.

Thomson said: “I don’t really have time for this because I’m trying to earn a living. But yeah, the idea of a powerful man in the film industry sexually assaulting women who were then too frightened to come forward has come an absolutely enormous surprise.

“Thank goodness I was sitting down when I read it otherwise I might have fainted.”

Thomson added: “I’ve been searching for a headline about a male movie star revealing he was sexually assaulted by a female movie producer.

“But that’s unlikely because there are, I don’t know, two female movie producers? And they probably just get on with their jobs too.

“Are we done?”