Trump state visit downgraded to top-and-tailing with Nigel Farage

PRESIDENT Trump’s visit to the UK has been downgraded from being an offical guest of the Queen to sharing a bed at Nigel Farage’s place, it has been confirmed. 

Following threats of protests which Her Majesty has gratefully seized upon as an excuse, the state visit has been reduced to two days at the former UKIP leader’s flat and complimentary crazy golf.

Farage said: “It goes without saying that I’m the tail in this scenario. He’s the leader of the free world, after all.

“I’d happily give him the sofa, but I’ve only got the one duvet and there’s nothing wrong with sharing a bed as long as we’re safely inverted so nothing can happen.

“It won’t be in the least uncomfortable, despite the liberal media elite’s claims, though I am open to negotiation if he wants to place something long and heavy between us in the bed.”

A White House spokesman said: “The President is very much looking forward to visiting the comments section of Mail Online, which he has heard so much about.”

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Naive woman grateful for invitation to hen weekend in Dublin

A WOMAN is understood to be ‘really excited’ about an upcoming hen weekend she believes will be ‘a lot of fun’.

Laura Smith, 23, said: “Emma is the first of my friends to get married, and I’m just so honoured she invited me. She’s a bit older than me, so I bet it’s all going to be really sophisticated.

“She’s taking us all to Dublin apparently. Isn’t that nice of her? I haven’t received the details yet, but I’m sure traditionally the bride pays for everyone, because she’s the one who invited us, right?

“So generous!”

Laura added: “I’ve never hung out with a large group of women I don’t know. I think lots of them already know each other really well, and I can’t wait to slot right in and join their gang. What a laugh!

“I can’t wait to sit around with a glass of red wine discussing books and politics, maybe take in some of Dublin’s beautiful architecture and culture.”

Maid-of-honour, Camilla Daniels, said: “There will be drinking straws shaped like cocks.”