Runny eggs no longer dangerous but still utterly disgusting

BRITONS are not at risk of salmonella from eating runny eggs though they will still sicken anyone forced to watch, a watchdog has confirmed.

The Food Standards Agency has confirmed that, 30 years after Edwina Currie injected salmonella into eggs as revenge against her lover John Major for jilting her, lightly cooked eggs are now safe and stomach-churning to eat.

A spokesman said: “We’re not announcing this without a measure of regret.

“For three decades, the only comfort of seeing some filthy bugger dipping perfectly good toast into repugnant yellow egg has been the possibility they might get salmonella and spend a week vomiting, or best-case scenario die.

“But sadly the only people who will get sick from revolting runny eggs are those unlucky enough to be in the room with the monsters eating them, or catching a whiff of their eggy breath afterwards. Euurgh.”

The FSA also confirmed it is also now safe to eat raw eggs but not to because it is manky.

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How to talk about Blade Runner 2049 without actually watching it

IF you’re one of the silent majority who could not be arsed to watch the first one and sure as shit will not be shelling out cinema prices to see this one, you need not feel excluded.

Just follow these simple tips to steer Blade Runner chat in the right direction.

The sequels debate
When you find yourself being sucked in to a Blade Runner conversation, try to redirect the topic to the big picture with a question about whether the sequel was really necessary. This will inevitably lead to the safe territory of ‘best sequels ever’, which may continue for several hours.

Nod. A lot.
Remember, the Blade Runner bores don’t want to hear your opinions, they want to share their own and show how clever they are. Affirmative head motions and noises will give them the validation they need while you use the time to think about what to make for dinner later.

‘So do you think he was he a replicant?’
If you need to chuck in a reference, simply use this question, word for word – then watch them go off on one debating the various positions taken by Harrison Ford and Ridley Scott. Likewise, the question ‘Which version of the original do you prefer?’ will serve the same purpose.

Shag Marry Kill Jared Leto, Ryan Gosling and Harrison Ford
The dystopian diatribes can be hard going for everyone, so don’t be afraid to lighten the atmosphere with a game of Shag, Marry, Kill with the film’s stars. And then walk quickly away from anyone who says anything other than kill Leto.