Health benefits of misery ‘suggests people from Yorkshire should be immortal’

SCIENTISTS who discovered that being unhappy could be healthy have admitted that people from Yorkshire should live for ever.

Researchers found that previous advice for a healthy heart – no smoking or drinking and plenty of exercise – may have been beneficial simply because it made people feel so utterly miserable.

But they admitted their findings are undermined by the fact that Yorkshire is not home to a race of immortal superhumans.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “I would suggest moving to Yorkshire and immersing yourself in their culture of unremitting complaints and deep unfriendliness. But they do seem to have a fairly average lifespan.

“Perhaps it’s all an act and when they’re sure there are no ‘foreigners’ in the vicinity, they damage their health by dancing in the streets and celebrating the joy of being alive.

“Yes, that must be it.”

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Zuckerberg flings handful of change at taxman

MARK Zuckerberg has thrown his pocket change at UK tax authorities and is watching them pitifully scrabble for it. 

The Facebook boss, worth an estimated $35 billion, is slowly shaking his head while watching uniformed officials chase after the rolling coins.

He said: “Sorry, when you said tax, I was worried you might mean… well, I don’t suppose it matters.

“So you think this is fair, and I can go? This is fine? Yeah, I mean I had nothing once, but I always had dreams.

“There’s an actual banknote here, by my shoe. Here, look. No, don’t lick the shoe. I didn’t mean you had to… whatever. Okay. Do a good job.”