Hedgerows taste better than kale, say people who eat a lot of kale

A PLATEFUL of shrubbery tastes nicer than the ‘superfood’ kale, according to people who eat a large amount of kale.

Unheard of just five years ago, kale is regarded by many nutritionists to be as essential as water to a balanced and healthy diet.

However, kale consumers have admitted that it tastes very nasty but they will have to continue eating it until it becomes unfashionable.

Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve been forcing this filth down my throat for two years. It’s two-fifty a bag. I could have got the same results by investing in a pair of shears.

“There are cows laughing at us for eating this stuff.”

Tom Booker added: “I’ve started using it as an insult. I was at party last week and got stuck talking to this arrogant, humourless prick. On the way home I said to my wife ‘that guy was totally kale’.

“When we got home we ate a load of kale.”

Olympic commentators using made-up words

BBC presenters commentating on Olympic events are making it all up, it has been confirmed.

With over 300 different events on offer, commentators are using terms that sound convincing such as ‘gripple’ and ‘belf’.

Presenter Clare Balding said: “I was covering the 5000m heavyweight kayak – or whatever the fuck it was – and I just started naming Pokemon every time something happened.

“So for anyone who was actually watching, the Italian team probably didn’t Jigglypuff the Rattata in the closing Bulbasaur.”

Viewers contacted the BBC yesterday when it became obvious that the dressage commentary was just the ingredients for chicken tikka masala with the occasional use of the word ‘saddle’.

A BBC spokesman said: “Most of these sports, if that’s what we’re calling them, are so obscure that if you know anything about them you’re in Rio doing them.”