Proper Olympics finally start

SEVEN days after the opening ceremony, the Olympics will finally begin.

After a full week of pseudo-sports including dressing gown wrestling, falling into a swimming pool and three-a-side rugby, viewers can now focus on the events they will actually remember.

Stephen Malley, from Peterborough, said: “There I was, at one in the morning, in my underpants, watching a man in a boat on the television. What the hell is that about?’.

“People running, throwing, jumping. That’s something we can relate to. Not bending themselves around a bar, or lunging at an invisible shuttlecock.”

Meanwhile, it has been confirmed the long jump heats will be delayed after the sand in the pit turned green.

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Fair-weather Leicester fan dreading start of season

A MAN who has been a die-hard Leicester City fan for nearly six months is not looking forward to the new Premier League season.

Tom Logan has been revelling in the Foxes’ place at the top of the English football but senses that a glorious summer of lauding it over fans of Arsenal and Manchester United is about to come to an end.

Logan said: “Seeing Leicester lift the trophy last year was the undoubted highlight of the six months that I’ve been aware of the club’s existence.

“I don’t see any point in ruining it all by starting up another season now. I think ideally we’d just end football there.

“At least we’ve got Hull first so that should prolong this wonderful adventure for another week or so.”

Friends of Logan have already seen signs that his passion for Leicester is starting to wane after he complained bitterly about the sale of N’Golo Kante and expressed his anger at a ‘disgraceful’ loss to Barcelona in pre-season.

Wayne Hayes said: “I noticed Tom was already starting to develop a soft spot towards Arsenal and then I realised that’s because they’re currently top of the table on alphabetical order.”