Helpful scientists reveal perfect number of cigarettes

SCIENTISTS have helpfully revealed the number of risk-free cigarettes you can smoke every week.

Terrifying new research found that one cigarette per day triples the risk of heart disease and stroke, leaving ‘social smokers’ to do the simple calculation that 2.3 per week should be fine.

Social smoker, Martin Bishop, said: “According to my calculations that’s 120 a year. If I ever actually bought any cigarettes that would be six packets. I’ve no idea how much that would cost because, like I say, I never, ever buy them.

“Anyway, what I’ll probably do is have 4.6 every other Friday. As long as I’m socialising with an actual smoker.

“Science is brilliant.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After you’re charged £1.40 for a can of coke in some artisan coffee shop hellhole, you hope it comes with a glass, lots of ice and another can of coke.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you’ll print off those 50 retweets you got, fashion them into a papier-mâché daddy and you’ll get that hug you’ve been waiting for your whole life.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
When describing World War One as ‘lions led by donkeys’, people tend to ignore how awesome that would actually look.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Leo will spend most of this week mooching around your sign trying to ponce fags off you.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
I don’t think breaking into Asda at 2am can be considered ‘Urban Exploration’, actually.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you’re thrown out of a production of Der Fliegende Holländer for heckling the tenor playing Erik to ‘Do the one off the Go Compare adverts’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Go hard or go home. Unless you’re in a Wetherspoons. In which case, just go home.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A good rule of thumb during a Spring clean is to throw anything out that you haven’t used for over a year, but I don’t know how you’re going to dump your libido in the bin.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If people keep taking cheap shots at you, maybe that’s because you’re cheap and deserve shooting?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After another trying day at work you go to the gym for a 5-mile run before wearily returning to the office to smear your taint across everyone’s phone receiver.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you reflect on the fact it’s odd that the car’s glove compartment has survived into the modern era but not the monocle-holder or moustache-wax receptacle.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’re the one with the bucket, right?