Homeopathy replaced by fagsopathy

FORMER homeopathic doctors are offering a new treatment where patients smoke a lot of cigarettes. 

After new research found homeopathy to be ineffective, former practitioners launched an innovative cigarette-based therapy.

Ex-homeopath Emma Bradford said: “Maybe if you think a thing is good for you, it has a healing effect. Certainly it’ll be interesting to explore that with fags.

“Like homeopathic products, cigarettes are expensive and shunned by mainstream doctors. All we need is to apply a veneer of New Age hullabaloo and we’re good to go.”

Fagsopathy patient Nikki Hollis said: “Following a detailed consultation my fagsopath put me on forty a day. It’s going brilliantly, I’ve got this hacking cough which is apparently the sound of bad energy leaving my body.”

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New Carry On film set in Guardian office

THE latest instalment of the Carry On film franchise is about saucy hi-jinks at The Guardian newspaper.

Carry On Guardianing, in which Guardian staff portray sex-obsessed versions of themselves, is designed to highlight workplace sexism and illustrate how men’s glasses steam up when women bend over.

Columnist Owen Jones plays a Sid James-esque lech with the catchphrase ‘she can blow my whistle’ who constantly pursues bubbly blonde, Marina Hyde.

However his attempts to corner Hyde in the stationery cupboard are constantly thwarted by matronly sourpuss Polly Toynbee and interfering George Monbiot, who plays the bespectacled, effete role in the style of Charles Hawtree.

Jones said: “The story follows us on a staff training weekend to a Holiday Inn in Kent, where we discover the hotel has been double-booked by the Daily Mail for a seminar about celebrity fashion fails.

“Chaos ensues when Marina Hyde deliberately gives me the wrong room number. I end up accidentally sneaking into Richard Littlejohn’s darkened bedroom and canoodling his sleeping, corpulent body.

“He goes apeshit and chases me around the hotel. So George Monbiot overcomes his principles to hotwire a car and crash it through the hotel lobby wall, flattening Littlejohn.

“Then we all have a big disco and I get off with Melanie Phillips.”