Households offered poisoned water

THE UK’s water companies have unveiled a two-tier water supply, comprising poisoned water and more expensive water that is safe to drink.

Under the scheme, ordinary tap water has been renamed ‘Aqua Deluxe’ and costs five times as much, while ‘Aquasaver Economy’ water contains toxins likely to cause blindness and mild mutation.

A water industry spokesman said: “It’s about customer choice. Some people will want to pay a little extra for their water, and others will prefer to be poisoned.

“We’re not forcing anyone to pay more, just giving them the chance to save money by drinking water containing strychnine, stale rats and whatever’s in the barrels we bought off British Nuclear Fuels.

“Rest assured, you will not be able to sterilise this water by boiling it.”

He added that a pilot scheme had already been successful, with the vast majority of customers switching to more expensive water after suffering convulsions, toenail loss and hallucinations of ‘evil furniture’.

Consumer Tom Logan said: “Due to budgetary restraints I get the poisoned water and mix it with Ribena to make a refreshing, poisonous fruit drink.

“After several weeks of this a small face has started growing above my left nipple.”

A spokesman for water regulator Ofwat said: “This is terrible, we’re coming down on their asses with some serious, hardcore voluntary guidelines.

“Actually maybe that’s a bit heavy-handed, I mean it’s probably fine.”



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

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Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
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Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
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