Thursday, 6th May 2021

How NHS reforms will work, by the mates Matt Hancock is selling it off to

RESTRUCTURING the NHS is a vast, intricate project that only Matt Hancock’s mates on WhatsApp are capable of pulling off. Here they reveal their plans.

Double down on securing shit PPE

We were as surprised as anyone when our inexperienced catering company was awarded millions of pounds to provide PPE. Sure, we f**ked up big time, but our inadequate facemasks won’t look like a mistake if we keep on making them. Can you use a coffee machine as a ventilator? Let’s find out.

Privatise kids’ ‘Thank you NHS’ drawings

You’ve probably seen these adorable scribbles in house windows and wondered, ‘How can they be monetised?’ By selling them off to foreign investors we’ll create a booming trade in crap pictures of rainbows and nurses. Lefties will argue that foreign kids might just draw their own for free, but the market is always right.

Get nurses to treat everything with Calpol

Is it scientifically proven that Calpol can’t cure everything? Didn’t think so. From now on expect everything from a split lip to a heart attack to be treated with the syrupy children’s medicine in the first instance. Also we have a huge crate of the stuff knocking around and it would be great to shift it.

Make bigger NHS rainbow badges

Matt Hancock is living proof that you can get weirdly close to women and still have public support if you wear a tiny pin badge with ‘NHS’ on it. Our bold plan is to turn hospitals into badge factories making ones the size of pizzas for politicians to wear and keep the country on side.

Give mental health an edgy rebrand

We won’t pretend to understand mental health because we’re rich. Lots of young people talk about it though, so to make it look like we care we’ll release an out-of-touch advert where Ali G explains: ‘There’s nothing mental about health, innit. Booyakasha.”