'Global Britain' means places where they speak English, Tories confirm

TORY Brexiters have clarified what they meant by ‘global Britain’ a mere five years after they came up with the phrase to help win the referendum.

Conservatives explained that their ambitious international trading strategy was in fact restricted to places where English is spoken as a first language.

MP Denys Finch Hatton said: “Clearly the word ‘global’ does not refer to the entire globe. When we talk about the world, we evidently mean wealthy, English-speaking former colonies.

“So, you can discount mainland Europe, most of Asia, Africa and Latin America – apart from the Falkland Islands, of course. We’ve also gone off the US since Biden got in, and Canada has gone too liberal for our liking.

“Overall, I’d say you can forget anywhere that doesn’t have the Union Jack on their flag. But do we really want to do business with that dreadful woman in New Zealand? 

“Closer to home, I wouldn’t say we’re too keen on the Scots or Irish. Terribly troublesome, both of them. And the Welsh are becoming an irritant. Really we’re more of a ‘global England’.

“Where does that leave us? Australia and a few little islands somewhere – as long as they play cricket. They’re thousands of miles away and difficult to export to, so that’s definitely ‘global’.”

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Live with your parents until you're 50: how to quickly save a house deposit

NEED to scrape together a whopping great deposit for a house? Save tens of thousands of pounds instantly with these tips.

Live with your parents until you’re 50

Moving into a house with friends or a loved one will stop you going crazy, but at what cost? By living with your parents for a good five decades you should just be able to save a deposit, unless they charge you rent. Which they probably will because you eat all their food using their gas and electricity.

Never do anything

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Buy a fixer-upper

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Live somewhere nobody wants to live 

A three-bedroom semi-detached can be yours for a tenner if you’re okay with living in Peterborough, mainly because it’s such a dump that not even pigeons want to live there. There are plenty of dirt-cheap shitholes like this outside the M25, but there’s little chance you’ll walk past a celebrity, so is it really worth it? No.