'Global Britain' means places where they speak English, Tories confirm

TORY Brexiters have clarified what they meant by ‘global Britain’ a mere five years after they came up with the phrase to help win the referendum.

Conservatives explained that their ambitious international trading strategy was in fact restricted to places where English is spoken as a first language.

MP Denys Finch Hatton said: “Clearly the word ‘global’ does not refer to the entire globe. When we talk about the world, we evidently mean wealthy, English-speaking former colonies.

“So, you can discount mainland Europe, most of Asia, Africa and Latin America – apart from the Falkland Islands, of course. We’ve also gone off the US since Biden got in, and Canada has gone too liberal for our liking.

“Overall, I’d say you can forget anywhere that doesn’t have the Union Jack on their flag. But do we really want to do business with that dreadful woman in New Zealand? 

“Closer to home, I wouldn’t say we’re too keen on the Scots or Irish. Terribly troublesome, both of them. And the Welsh are becoming an irritant. Really we’re more of a ‘global England’.

“Where does that leave us? Australia and a few little islands somewhere – as long as they play cricket. They’re thousands of miles away and difficult to export to, so that’s definitely ‘global’.”

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