How not to go insane in lockdown with your parents

HAVE you chosen to sit out the coronavirus crisis at your parents’ house? Here’s how to prevent their annoying habits driving you up the f**king wall.

Remember they are mental

They may appear to be taking lockdown seriously, but will suddenly forget about it and do something mad, eg. hop in the car and drive around all day looking for garden centres that are open because they need a new watering can. Hide the car keys in the cistern.

Get used to bullshit on the radio

In this age of Netflix, you may not be prepared for 10 hours a day of inane babble on the radio, be it Gardeners’ Question Time or whatever the thickos on Talkradio are incoherently ‘discussing’. Get industrial ear mufflers if they’re into local radio shite like ‘Dave Dee’s Drivetime Quiz-o-rama’.

Expect odd requests while online shopping

Does Amazon deliver sandwiches? Can you get a ‘video’ of that old programme they used to like with ‘him’ in it, you know, the one who’s a policeman? What’s the weather going to be like for Auntie Margaret and Uncle Geoff if they’re allowed to go to Portugal in August?

Take an interest in relatives

Do you not give a shit about your cousin’s daughter’s plans to do a gap year before going to Keele University? You’re going to hear about it. Switch off your brain and imagine it’s a gripping soap opera.

Identify bathroom ‘windows of opportunity’

Okay, their bodies are a bit creaky these days, BUT DO THEY REALLY NEED TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME IN THE F**KING BATHROOM? When you see a free slot get in there and have a piss, shit, dental stick session, shower, shave, blackhead-squeeze and whatever else because you may not get another chance for several hours.

Make a ‘safe space’

If all this gets too much for you, which it will, find somewhere to be alone. Possibly hiding under a blanket in the darkest recess of the loft while silently sipping at a bottle of vodka.

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Which livestream will you give up on tonight?

THE entertainment industry has pulled out all the stops to keep us going with new livestreams every night. But which will you abandon within minutes?

Hamlet from the Globe

If it was any good people would remember more than two lines from it. Besides, your Letts Study Guides are up in the loft so how can you understand it without them?

Abandoned: 8m 23s

Così fan tutte from the Royal Opera House

What a marvellous way of opening up elitist art forms such as opera to everyone, you say. Really, you only clicked on it because it sounded like a delicious ice-cream. You’ll frown through until a truly agonising bit then never try opera again.

Abandoned: 15m 44s

One Man, Two Guvnors from the National Theatre

Yeah, James Corden is actually good in this, but not good enough to make you forget what a dickwad he is in Carpool Karaoke. You stop watching but you don’t abandon the interval drinks you’d prepared, or the hope that Corden might keep self-isolating for years.

Abandoned: 25m 02s

Euripides’ Bacchae

You had great hopes that the lockdown could turn you into a cultured person. But this Ancient Greek stuff is more depressing than the actual news, so you go back to old episodes of Eldorado on YouTube. It’s a classical tale of sorts.

Abandoned 28m 08s

Comedy Club

It’s been years since you watched live comedy, so you thought you’d tune in to see a bunch of comedians perform in an empty room while struggling to hide their anxiety about their whole industry imploding.

Abandoned 32m 58s

Your weird friend’s birthday party

It’s supposed to be fun. Everyone’s there, on screens, watching a lone man in a party hat getting drunk and demanding a Communist revolution. Leave immediately and return to watching your Nan’s bird-box cam, which is quite frankly all you can cope with right now.

Abandoned 2m 12s