Knobheads wondering what the virus is here to teach us

A GROWING number of unbearable arseholes believe that the pandemic devastating the world is ‘here to help us learn something about ourselves’.

Mind-bogglingly self-centred wankers convinced that COVID-19 is a ‘wake-up call’ are sharing views from across all spectrums of bellend.

Carolyn Ryan, a yoga teacher from Bristol, said: “This whole virus thing has forced people to slow down and think about what’s important in life. Like yoga.

“I think it’ll make everyone anti-consumerist, more spiritual, it’ll make them realise we’re all one species and that stretching is important. Which kind of makes the pandemic worth it.”

But Norman Steele of Eastbourne said: “I think the lesson the world will learn from this is that foreigners are unclean, the borders should be closed, bring back the death penalty and subjugate Ireland. I can’t see how you’d think anything else.”

Historian Dr Helen Archer said: “There are only two logical explanations for the whirligig of disaster humanity finds itself in at any given time: bad luck and cock-ups.

“The main takeaway from all this is that some people should not be allowed access to the internet.”

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Man playing Doom Eternal for escape into a brighter, happier world

A MAN struggling to cope with what has happened to the world is finding cheerful escapism in a videogame where he slaughters demons in hell. 

Wayne Hayes came back from a terrifyingly silent supermarket shop and found that the only way to calm himself was to escape into a reality where demons have taken over Earth and he eviscerates them with a chainsaw.

He said: “It’s pretty grim out there right now. You can’t even take a sunny stroll without everyone skirting two metres around you.

“Then I remembered I was only a few clicks away from a delightful red-skied hellworld where every living thing is my enemy and I have all the guns.

“It’s so relaxing not having to worry about social distancing as I wander around the forsaken city of Exultia with its infernal priesthood, and if you manage to pick up the plasma rifle even a trip to the Super Gore Nest is a walk in the park. But less nerve-wracking.

“Also my heart rate is through the roof because I never know if there’s a howling flaming skull just around the corner, so it’s a better workout than Joe Wicks.

“If anyone’s looking for a way to improve their mental health during this difficult time, I thoroughly recommend killing your way through Earth, Mars and Hell. It’s my happy place.”