Bet you can't get through these six platonic physical touches without getting turned on

REMEMBER hugs? How innocent they were? Try getting through these non-sexual examples of physical contact without getting horny:


Simple hugs. Woman to woman, man to man, the soft embrace of arms wrapped around you, arms not your own. The last one you had could have been from a work colleague. In your current locked-down state, that seems perverse.


Imagine it: firm, with direction and purpose. Perhaps it’s an interviewer. Perhaps it’s a friend of a friend you’re just meeting. Either way that sweet palm-to-palm contact, feeling their fingers graze your skin without instantly rushing to wash them, now gives you the horn.

Brushing past someone on a train

The gentle, unexpected contact when you grab a handrail on a busy tube and someone else grabs the same spot as you. Hell, we’ll even throw in when you grab the rail and it’s still a bit warm from the last person’s hand. Mmm.

A high-five

Who knew something that symbolises success but makes you feel like a loser could become hot? Your interlocutor whipping their hand away and saying ‘too slow’ seems like delicious foreplay now.

Being given change

You’ve paid with a fiver for a biscuit Boost. The cashier counts out your coins and hands them to you over the counter. You hold out your palm expectantly. You can feel their heat as they tenderly drop the change into your hand. A GIF of this and you’d be there.

Getting punched in the face outside Wetherspoons

A classic brawl outside a pub. It’s been so long since you’ve had physical contact that you’re kind of starting to picture it like the cast of Magic Mike having a shirts-off brawl. You need to either finish, or cool off.

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Country that's banged on about freedom for three years fine spending another month locked up

A COUNTRY that has spent the last three-and-a-half years obsessed with freedom is absolutely fine with being locked up until May. 

Britons have confirmed they have no objection whatsoever to lockdown continuing for another five weeks, that it will probably have to be longer, and this has nothing to do with that other freedom thing they have been consumed with since 2016.

Retired pipe-fitter Roy Hobbs said: “Lockdown. No problem with it mate. Extending the transistional period? No f**king way.

“What’s being misunderstood here is the nature of freedom. You see, being in the EU was like slavery because we couldn’t make our own laws, while being confined to our houses indefinitely and fined if we go out is our choice.

“I actually feel freer now even though I’m only allowed an hour’s exercise a day than I ever did before January 31st under the yoke of foreign powers. It’s not a physical thing. It’s more something in the air.”

Margaret Gerving of Guildford agreed: “I think they should stop beating about the bush and extend the lockdown until the end of the year.

“Also introduce a curfew, get the army on the streets, and you need a permit to go the shops. We can do it. We’ve got our freedom to keep us strong.”