The more essential your work the less you get paid, them's the rules, says capitalism

CAPITALISM has confirmed that the more vital to society your work is, the less you therefore earn. 

Workers who the country could not do without right now, for example nurses, truckers or supermarket staff, must earn a pittance compared to management consultants and pork futures traders because that is the way it is.

A Treasury spokesman said, “As someone who draws a six figure salary for a job a trained parrot could do, I applaud those potentially laying down their lives and regret that they must earn much less.

“Whether a binman, a cleaner, a bus driver, a delivery driver, a postman or one of the other people that keeps Britain running, your earnings must remain low as our tribute.

“Now is not the time to discuss an increase in salaries. To discuss monetary issues at a time like this would be vulgar and an insult to the genuine emotion of their work. They’re missionaries, not mercenaries.

“We couldn’t increase their pay without taking away everything that makes them so wonderful. If only I could be like them. But sadly, I have a huge house.”

The spokesman added: “Our adage is ‘Keep Calm And Carry On With A Unchanged Economic System’. Certainly makes sense to me.”

How to drink a bottle of brandy and draw tattoos on your arm with a biro

EVERYONE is struggling under lockdown, and everyone’s got tips to help. But have you tried downing a bottle of brandy while drawing tattoos on your own arms? 

Get a glass

It’s important to maintain standards during these turbulent times, so get a glass to drink the first half of the bottle from. Ideally a clean one but alcohol is a sanitiser so it’s not strictly necessary, if you’re already at that stage.

Get a biro

Find one now because it’ll be a lot harder to find one when you’re halfway through the bottle. Choose either blue, for that nostalgic sailors’ tattoo effect, or honest Shoreditch hipster black.

Start drinking

Usually it might take a few sips to make the taste and the burning go away, but given the current situation it’s probably better to take a man-sized swig then wait until your eyes stop watering.

Sketch a couple of ideas on paper

Put down a few of your tattoo idea on paper to see how childish they are. What ink do you want to wear this evening? A classic jizzing cock, or something more sophisticated like Garfield smoking a spliff? The choice is all yours.

Finish the brandy

Before putting pen to forearm make sure you’ve finished the entire bottle of brandy. Your throat will be burning, your head spinning, and the whole pandemic situation completely gone from your mind.

Get to work

What have you chosen? A protestation of love for an ex-partner you only ever remember when this drunk, because they gave fantastic head? Brexit MP Mark Francois with a speech bubble saying ‘IM A TWAT’? The lyrics to It’s My Life by Bon Jovi? It doesn’t matter, you won’t even remember tomorrow.