Man afraid to touch his door handle will let five teenagers make a pizza for him

A MAN who puts his sleeve over his hand to open the front door is still eating pizza made by five teenagers on minimum wage. 

Stephen Malley, who not only wears a surgical mask during walks in the park but holds his breath when anyone goes by, is happy to gamble on the hygiene standards of Mario’s Pizza’s food preparation and delivery team.

He said: “I’m very worried about contracting coronavirus but nothing beats the taste and value of a large pepperoni with chips for eight quid. At that price I’m sure they’re not cutting corners.

“You can’t trust these big chains like Domino’s. A small operation, the type where you used to be able to buy fags as well that has clipart of a chef on the boxes, won’t gamble with the health of their loyal customers.”

Mario’s employee Jo Kramer said: “Yeah, we’re all safe from the coronavirus here because we’re young so can’t get it. Which is also why we ignore lockdown rules.

“Nonetheless, it’s not COVID-19 that the customers need to worry about. It’s E. coli.”

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Lobster mac 'n' cheese, and what else to expect in your M&S essential food box

MIDDLE-CLASS grocer Marks & Spencer are launching an essential food delivery box for £35 plus delivery. These items should keep your household a cut above:

Miniature port tasting kit

A reported symptom of coronavirus is the loss of taste and smell, so keep your nose finely tuned by distinguishing between undertones of cherries and bark in some of the finest ports the world can offer. Oak box doubles up as a cheese board.

Lobster mac ’n’ cheese

Pasta is apparently the thing right now, so here’s an ironic take on what all those heroic key workers are eating. The secret ingredient? Fresh Maine lobster at £40 a kilo. Practically Instagrams itself.

Per Una silk scarf 

Can’t find a mask? Not to worry, gossamer-like scarves wrapped loosely around the face offer the same protection as medical-grade equipment. Your light silk scarf comes in either a summer butterfly or autumn leaf design, both of which scream menopause.

Percy Pig (without pals)

Percy Pigs are an essential pick-me-up for any household where children are better. This special edition will not feature any of his pals, as they are tucked away in their own pens desperately homeschooling their farmyard offspring whilst trying to support themselves financially.

A handwritten letter from Her Majesty The Queen

M&S has partnered with the Queen so that anybody who purchases an essential food hamper will receive a handwritten letter from Her Majesty with words of encouragement. A privilege usually afforded only to people who turn 100, but the Royal Household can see which way the wind is blowing.

A hidden compartment with two litres of value gin

We’re M&S. We know the real you.