How to brush off a public cough

ARE you at risk of attracting horrified stares by coughing in public? Here’s how to style it out:

On a busy train

Either point to your neighbour to insinuate that it is their fault, or turn coughs into sobs and claim you have got to the bit in the podcast that proves the man was not the killer. You won’t be called out because speaking is not a thing on public transport.

In the park

If there’s a tree around, allergies are your excuse. Be sure to shout the word ‘hayfever’ so loudly that everyone looks round, birds fly from trees and car alarms go off. Nobody must be left with reason to doubt your good health.

In the supermarket

Being kicked out the shop before you’ve had a chance to stock up on white wcider and spicy BBQ fajita mix would be a disaster. Carry a large jar of pickled onions and as soon as you feel the tiniest tickle in your throat, hurl it to the floor to create a distraction.

On the street

Immediately burst into song and whatever tune you choose, deliver it loud and proud. People will probably think you’ve lost your mind, which is understandable after all these weeks of confinement and better than them thinking you’ve got it.

At the school gate

If you’re in the mood to mess with people, simply segue into a coughing fit. Ham it up as much as you can, watch other parents battling with their consciences and enjoy a solid sixteen square metres of personal space wherever you go.

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Brits immune to coronavirus after four pints

PEOPLE develop immunity to coronavirus after consuming four pints of beer, drunk people have confirmed.

Pissheads say that the more alcohol you drink the less likely it is that you will catch the deadly disease, due to the medicinal properties in alcohol that cause you to stop giving a shit.

Helen Archer said: “I am normally super careful when it comes to coronavirus. I wear masks and gloves to the supermarket and follow all the social distancing rules.

“However, after a few drinks my gut instinct changes to ‘F**k the stupid virus, I could easily have it in a fight’.

“I’ll only wash my hands for four seconds, stand too close to people at barbecues, shake everyone’s hands and freely touch my own face. It’s like the bottle of Shiraz I’ve consumed surrounds me in this magic protective bubble.

“The following day I feel like shit, but whether that’s a hangover or Covid-19, my solution is just to get shitfaced again.”