WITH the vaccine programme working its way down the age groups, it might not be long before you are making a tit of yourself as you get vaccinated. Here’s how.
Drop your trousers
It’s important to remember that vaccination is not an injection in the arse with a massive needle, like in a Carry On film. However if you bend over with a grim look on your face, the staff may get confused too and you’ll get a bonus prostate check-up without having to wait six months for an appointment.
If you faint at the sight of a needle, make sure you get it out the way early by fainting in the car park of the vaccination centre. That way you’ll be rushed in and jabbed first, all while unconscious. You can still lie about it being ‘no big deal’ later.
Ask the nurse out
Nurses are both attractive and caring in TV and films, and after a year of mega-publicity their sexual allure is particularly potent. Even Charlie Whitehead out of Casualty would be smokin’ hot with a bit of Munchausen Syndrome. Don’t wear jogging bottoms to your appointment, because it looks as if you haven’t made an effort on your first date. Also erections.
Tell nervous jokes
A surefire way to embarrass yourself in front of a medical professional is by nervously joking your way through the experience. They’ll have heard jokes like ‘feeling a little prick’ about three zillion times before. Although they might offer you a child’s lolly, so go for it.
Be Stanley Johnson
Shamelessly get your vaccinations done strangely ahead of the queue by being closely related to the prime minister. You might not find it embarrassing but everyone else will.