Millennial convinced pensions are a joke

A MILLENNIAL has been left in a state of shock after being informed that pensions are real.

27-year-old Ryan Whittaker had to lie down in a darkened room after discovering that the concept of putting aside money for retirement was not a sick prank designed to wind up young people.

Whittaker said: “My parents were talking about how much cash they had already squirrelled away at my age so I laughed and said ‘Yeah, good one’ which attracted some strange looks.

“Turns out they’ve been doing it every month for years. Their work even has a special scheme that tops it up. My job as a freelance barista artist doesn’t seem to have that, for some reason.

“Apparently on top of rent, bills and saving up for a house deposit, I’m also meant to put away 10% of my earnings to live on when I’m old. Having done the sums that leaves me with minus £80 per month to play with.

“Still, if they’ve got all this spare cash stashed away they probably won’t mind me living with them until I’m 50. Thanks mum and dad.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Going abroad and four other things it’s piss-easy to give up this lent

WANT to enjoy the smugness associated with abstinence but also can’t really be arsed? This year there are several things you can give up without even trying.

Going abroad

Normally it’s only money and a niggling feeling you’re destroying the planet that prevents you from jetting off to another country, but thanks to strict border controls it’s now practically impossible. This doesn’t mean you can’t feel all virtuous about your good deed whilst naively planning a doomed getaway for the summer though.

Frivolous spending

Are you the type of person who couldn’t leave work and get on the bus without popping into the shops in between to spend £150 on an ill-advised new jacket that you’ll never wear? Well, it’s now impossible, so make the most of being thrifty whilst it’s still being enforced on you by the government.


Talking about other people behind their back is fun but can be very damaging, so it’s a good choice to give up for lent. Due to the fact that no one you know has done anything even remotely interesting or scandalous due to lockdown, it will be a piece of piss to give up gossiping this year.

Eating healthily

Maintaining a balanced diet with a mix of food groups is a total chore, however it’s extremely easy to give up. A meal plan centred around cakes and crisps is much more fun and chances are this is exactly what you’ve been living on since March 2020.

Staying sober

By far the easiest thing to give up for lent. Even during the before time this was a breeze, but if you switch on the news you’ll find yourself reaching for a six pack without even thinking about it. If you’re teetotal, simply look through a friend’s window to get half-cut vicariously.