How to escape being quarantined in Wales

WALES is threatening to imprison visitors to the country from Covid hotspots in England. If you get locked up by the Heddlu, here’s how to bust out of Cymru: 

Disguise yourself

If you’ve been confined to your static caravan by grim-faced Welshmen with pitchforks, improvise a disguise. Glue a cardboard brim onto a plant pot, paint it black and wear it as a hat, then drape a lacy tablecloth around your shoulders. No one will challenge a pretty Welsh lady in national dress.

Steal a vehicle

Obviously the coolest vehicle for a cross-country dash is a Steve McQueen-style motorbike, but in desperate situations swallow your pride and commandeer a sheep. They can jump pretty high, so you’ll easily clear the barbed wire fences at the Shropshire border.

Dig a tunnel

Tunnelling 100km from Aberystwyth to Hereford is a challenge, but what price freedom? Has the slight disadvantage that when you emerge Covid will have been over for several years and maybe you should have just done the 14 days quarantine.

Don’t be tricked into revealing you’re English

If the Welsh Gestapo know prisoners are on the loose, they will try to catch you out by using typical English phrases like “Good day, sir, is one planning a jolly tiffin?” Stay alert and respond in Welsh, eg. “Yachy da, officer. Gizza cwtch before I go the Spar for bara brith.”

Get yourself exiled

The inhabitants of the South Wales Valleys are very insular and suspicious of modern technology, meaning anything from a Casio digital watch onwards. Show them a smartphone, play a pop tune, be denounced as a warlock and forcibly ejected.

Don’t go in the first place

Seriously, why are you going to Wales in October? If you like freezing rain, boring local landmarks and chip shops there’s not exactly a shortage in the rest of the UK.

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Eight pints hailed as wonder drug

SCIENTISTS have discovered that eight pints of beer can have a significant theraputic effect on almost any ailment. 

The study treated patients suffering from conditions ranging from anxiety to coronavirus to a broken leg with eight pints with an alcohol content of four per cent or greater, while a control group got a placebo of eight pints of water.

The patients drinking the beer described themselves as feeling ‘f**king great’, ‘feeling no pain’ and ‘like they had known each other forever’, where the other group were bored.

Dr Henry Brubaker from the Institute for Studies said: “Eight pints have shown benefits for a number of conditions, both mental and physical. They are the panacea for all ills.

“Our recommendation is that everyone try eight pints and see if they still give a shit about having asthma afterwards, and I bet you won’t.”

Test subject Ryan Whittaker said: “I was sceptical but once the medication kicked in it was like a weight lifted off me. I forgot all about my fractured ribs and it must have got rid of my acne, because I felt handsome and confident all night. It’s a miracle.”

But Roy Hobbs, aged 67, said: “This isn’t new science. It’s an old folk remedy. I’ve been having eight pints every lunchtime for years and I feel invincible.”