How to exercise when you f**king hate exercise

EXERCISE is hell, but a growing body of medical opinion links not exercising with getting so fat you die.

Try these ways of incorporating it into your daily life without even noticing:

Anger a big dog

Why run, if there’s nothing to run from? Give yourself motivation by poking a big, aggressive dog with a stick then sprinting desperately away from its relentless jaws.

Walk to a distant pub

Health experts suggest getting off the bus a stop early, but experts in human nature suggest making a more distant pub into your weeknight local. Even better, arriving with your heart pumping away will really send that first pint to your head.

Become a passive-aggressive domestic martyr

Household chores count as exercise, and if you approach them with a sanctimonious attitude full of unspoken resentment you’ll find your pulse racing just watching your partner leave a mug unwashed. And creates a lovely toxic atmosphere.

Take drugs and go clubbing

Neck a couple of dubious pills and go out. Eight hours off your face on a dance floor will cover your recommended 10,000 daily steps for about three weeks, and you won’t be able to eat until at least Tuesday.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Magazine in doctor's waiting room speaks of simpler time

A MAGAZINE in a doctor’s waiting room has taken its reader back to happier times before Brexit, vape juice and compulsory recycling. 

The magazine, believed to date from the years when Katie and Peter were still very much in love, contained no references to Theresa May, Netflix or Twitter backlashes.

Patient Norman Steele said: “At first I was annoyed that all the magazines were pre-Obama and looked like they’d been salvaged from a container ship accident, but I started reading one and my blood pressure sorted itself right out.

“It was full of harmless nonsense like footballers cheating on their wives, Patsy Palmer returning to EastEnders and Keith Chegwin showing a photographer around his house. It was absolute bliss.

“I hadn’t realised quite how badly we’d let everything go to shit until I was cast back just a few years to what now seems like an enchanted utopia.”

He added: “I managed to grab a March 2007 OK! and a Radio Times with Life On Mars on the cover. For when the shit really hits the fan.”